Every now and then writers go through the worst droughts of creativity, something we in the industry refer to as "writer's bloc." Writer's bloc is quite possibly the worst possible time for a writer and every day that material isn't being created is money lost.
And it happens to all writers, so it is nothing to be ashamed of...no man is perfect.
But the point of all of this writer's bloc talk is the fact that over the last year I have had a bad case of it.
There also comes a time when spurts of explosive creativity make it so one cannot "buy" enough time at the keyboard.
I will be taking a sabbatical from social media (no unnecessary texting or chatting) until the end of the new year. I will be writing and completing a novel in the next two weeks and will likely not see the light of day or many of my friends or family for quite some time and you can thank me when you get the chance, because you know you like it (it being when I make myself scarce.)
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Thursday, October 9, 2014
It does get better.
How could I have forgotten one of my favorite quote's from one of my favorite characters of all time Tyler Durden. "Only once we have lost everything, are we free to do anything."
I am feeling very streamlined right now. And the older I get, the better life gets, in lieu of all the BS and drama outside. And you lucky blog readers are getting a two-fer.
I am finding myself more efficient. I have time to do things that I want to do. And I don't need anyone but myself because frankly, I like myself quite a bit when I give myself the chance.
Things seem to come together out of nowhere. And people I think are inherently good. Sure there are a lot of d-bags out there. But for every ass hat there is an equally decent human out there.
Since it is Rocktober, you get some more tunes. A little Down In It was playing in my head earlier, because I was feeling up above it. That being the doldrums I had been experiencing the last few weeks..
And then some Killers, because "she said she loved me. But she had some where to go..she couldn't scream while I held her close.. I swore I'd never let her go. " I don't even have a friend by the name of Jenny, but this is a rad song all the same.
Lastly a little St. Lucia, Elevate, because frankly, that is what I am doing right now.
I don't even know why I have been so down lately. I have so much to be thankful for and so many things going for me. Now back to the book writing and then some sleep. Because I have to get up early for my run so I can get to my job interview at 10.
I am feeling very streamlined right now. And the older I get, the better life gets, in lieu of all the BS and drama outside. And you lucky blog readers are getting a two-fer.
I am finding myself more efficient. I have time to do things that I want to do. And I don't need anyone but myself because frankly, I like myself quite a bit when I give myself the chance.
Things seem to come together out of nowhere. And people I think are inherently good. Sure there are a lot of d-bags out there. But for every ass hat there is an equally decent human out there.
Since it is Rocktober, you get some more tunes. A little Down In It was playing in my head earlier, because I was feeling up above it. That being the doldrums I had been experiencing the last few weeks..
And then some Killers, because "she said she loved me. But she had some where to go..she couldn't scream while I held her close.. I swore I'd never let her go. " I don't even have a friend by the name of Jenny, but this is a rad song all the same.
Lastly a little St. Lucia, Elevate, because frankly, that is what I am doing right now.
I don't even know why I have been so down lately. I have so much to be thankful for and so many things going for me. Now back to the book writing and then some sleep. Because I have to get up early for my run so I can get to my job interview at 10.
New outlook
About halfway through the day yesterday, after I had found many different available local jobs and interviewed with an HR rep from a place where I would REALLY enjoy working, it finally clicked.
I am going to be ok...
At which point I went for a run. My second 5 mile day in as many days. Felt really exhausted but in a good way. Mostly felt incredible which was a welcome change in affect from the last couple of weeks. And I spent last night with my good friend Jocelyn, who I have been hanging out with more and more, and we talked and talked.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty optimistic as well. I think I am finally turning the corner. Granted, I still don't have a job. I am not going to get unemployment. I don't really have any desire to date anyone new...and in light of all of this, I am....well....feeling better than okay.
I will get a job eventually. And I will find more time to write which is what I really would like to do.
And when I least expect it, when I am not even thinking about it...someone will pop into my life who wants to travel along this long and winding path with me, a co pilot for this journey.
Addiction grows weaker and weaker the longer you are from the vice. Feelings grow dimmer and dimmer the farther one is from past love. After enough time, the door shuts, and you have nothing but your future left.
I will leave you with the song that is playing in my head today. From a real person, a real artist, in this world of faux people. I am searching myself. I believe myself to be on the right track. :)
I am going to be ok...
At which point I went for a run. My second 5 mile day in as many days. Felt really exhausted but in a good way. Mostly felt incredible which was a welcome change in affect from the last couple of weeks. And I spent last night with my good friend Jocelyn, who I have been hanging out with more and more, and we talked and talked.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty optimistic as well. I think I am finally turning the corner. Granted, I still don't have a job. I am not going to get unemployment. I don't really have any desire to date anyone new...and in light of all of this, I am....well....feeling better than okay.
I will get a job eventually. And I will find more time to write which is what I really would like to do.
And when I least expect it, when I am not even thinking about it...someone will pop into my life who wants to travel along this long and winding path with me, a co pilot for this journey.
Addiction grows weaker and weaker the longer you are from the vice. Feelings grow dimmer and dimmer the farther one is from past love. After enough time, the door shuts, and you have nothing but your future left.
I will leave you with the song that is playing in my head today. From a real person, a real artist, in this world of faux people. I am searching myself. I believe myself to be on the right track. :)
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Why?
The great existential question...why?
A couple of "whys."
Why did I go to Cumberland College as opposed to the Naval Academy...only to join the Navy two years after graduation as enlisted when I could have been an officer.
Why, when I got to Cumberland, did I gravitate toward a crowd that liked to "party"?
Why did I think my life would be better if I tried drugs even once? I mean, I want to go back and kick my 18 year old self....and ask him, exactly, how many success stories do you hear about people who are addicted to drugs?
Why did I think I could marry someone who I wasn't in love with? Although my intentions were good, and I did love her (not in love, there is a difference), and I do believe my primary goal of improving her life situation (although at a great cost to my emotional and fiscal stability) was accomplished, why did I make such a life altering decision without considering my best long term interest?
Why didn't I go straight to graduate school after college?
Why do I still pine over my last girlfriend? Am I masochistic? What good does it do to look at her profile when there is zero chance of things going back to the way they were? Why does she have to feel about another the way I feel about her? And why can't I feel that way about someone who does feel those feelings for me. (I realize that was a horrible sentence.)
Why does life have to be so full of challenges? And why do I feel like I am ill equipped to deal with those challenges, when in fact the opposite is probably the fact.
I don't like to spend a lot of time mulling over the past. Which is why I am a little irked at myself for spending so much time lately wondering what I could have done differently.
Of course there are things I could have done differently, in a lot of different circumstances, pertaining to relationships, education, published body of work, etc. But would things have turned out any better?
Which is why it is usually a good idea not to think about the past too much, and not spend hour after tedious hour mulling over what could have been.
I do believe in God, and I do receive strength from this faith. You might think I am wrong or I am stupid, but the fact will never change. God is the reason my life is like this, and the world even exists...That isn't to say God made me make bad decisions, but God is the great computer, and keeps tabs on all Karmic debts. I love God, and I don't blame him for anything except allowing me to exist.
The only reasonable conclusion for all of these tribulations...its all part of the test. The test of character, the test of mettle. After all, we could not have diamonds if it weren't for massive amounts of time and pressure. These struggles are the impetus for growth. And so I ask myself, am I growing? I don't know if that is up to me to determine. It is you, and God, the external world, that must judge this growth.
And as a writer, life experiences are the only thing that can lead to realistic and pertinent literature.
On a side note, I am getting very good at sending out job applications. Why? Because I have filled out over 50 in the last week. I should be getting a job any day now. Once I have that stable flow of cash back in my life, I will feel a lot better. Money can buy happiness after all, so it seems.
Lastly, this was very useful to me today.
Time to go into the job fair. Wish me luck! ")
A couple of "whys."
Why did I go to Cumberland College as opposed to the Naval Academy...only to join the Navy two years after graduation as enlisted when I could have been an officer.
Why, when I got to Cumberland, did I gravitate toward a crowd that liked to "party"?
Why did I think my life would be better if I tried drugs even once? I mean, I want to go back and kick my 18 year old self....and ask him, exactly, how many success stories do you hear about people who are addicted to drugs?
Why did I think I could marry someone who I wasn't in love with? Although my intentions were good, and I did love her (not in love, there is a difference), and I do believe my primary goal of improving her life situation (although at a great cost to my emotional and fiscal stability) was accomplished, why did I make such a life altering decision without considering my best long term interest?
Why didn't I go straight to graduate school after college?
Why do I still pine over my last girlfriend? Am I masochistic? What good does it do to look at her profile when there is zero chance of things going back to the way they were? Why does she have to feel about another the way I feel about her? And why can't I feel that way about someone who does feel those feelings for me. (I realize that was a horrible sentence.)
Why does life have to be so full of challenges? And why do I feel like I am ill equipped to deal with those challenges, when in fact the opposite is probably the fact.
I don't like to spend a lot of time mulling over the past. Which is why I am a little irked at myself for spending so much time lately wondering what I could have done differently.
Of course there are things I could have done differently, in a lot of different circumstances, pertaining to relationships, education, published body of work, etc. But would things have turned out any better?
Which is why it is usually a good idea not to think about the past too much, and not spend hour after tedious hour mulling over what could have been.
I do believe in God, and I do receive strength from this faith. You might think I am wrong or I am stupid, but the fact will never change. God is the reason my life is like this, and the world even exists...That isn't to say God made me make bad decisions, but God is the great computer, and keeps tabs on all Karmic debts. I love God, and I don't blame him for anything except allowing me to exist.
The only reasonable conclusion for all of these tribulations...its all part of the test. The test of character, the test of mettle. After all, we could not have diamonds if it weren't for massive amounts of time and pressure. These struggles are the impetus for growth. And so I ask myself, am I growing? I don't know if that is up to me to determine. It is you, and God, the external world, that must judge this growth.
And as a writer, life experiences are the only thing that can lead to realistic and pertinent literature.
On a side note, I am getting very good at sending out job applications. Why? Because I have filled out over 50 in the last week. I should be getting a job any day now. Once I have that stable flow of cash back in my life, I will feel a lot better. Money can buy happiness after all, so it seems.
Lastly, this was very useful to me today.
Replace love with God because God is love then we get:
[God] is patient and kind; [God] does not envy or boast; [He] is not arrogant or rude. [He] does not insist on [His] own way; [He] is not irritable or resentful; [He] does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. [God] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. [God] never ends” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
[God] is patient and kind; [God] does not envy or boast; [He] is not arrogant or rude. [He] does not insist on [His] own way; [He] is not irritable or resentful; [He] does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. [God] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. [God] never ends” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
Time to go into the job fair. Wish me luck! ")
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Another day in the life of a recovering addict.
I have an addictive personality, I think most of us can agree on this fact. Many of you have witnessed the destructive aspects of my addictions, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret the first time I ever used drugs.
But I am clean today, fortunately.
Unfortunately, I will always be recovering. One is never fully recovered. There will always be scars, always relationships that cannot be mended. There will always be a certain amount of judgement from others. And there is always that lingering thought, some days it is greater than others in its magnitude, that you are never very far away from a dealer, and you are minutes away from a brief respite from the pains of every day living.
Everyone has problems, and I don't think mine are any greater than anyone else. Perhaps I do not cope with my problems as well, but this is no one's fault by my own.
I am clean today, and I will be clean tomorrow. It is a daily choice.
I want to live. I want to have relationships. I want a special relationship with some lady who cares about me as much as I do her. I want to work, and to write, and to help others. I want to experience pain in its fullness, so that I might be able to love in the fullest sense.
No, it is not easy. But there is no going back. There can be no going back.
I am so grateful for my family and friends. They deserve my honesty and sobriety in return for all the love and compassion they have given me.
Yesterday was tough, but I didn't purchase any cold medicine, so that is something I can build on. I have a lot of writing to do, so there isn't any time to be on anything other than my A game.
God's blessing to everyone on this lovely Sunday.
But I am clean today, fortunately.
Unfortunately, I will always be recovering. One is never fully recovered. There will always be scars, always relationships that cannot be mended. There will always be a certain amount of judgement from others. And there is always that lingering thought, some days it is greater than others in its magnitude, that you are never very far away from a dealer, and you are minutes away from a brief respite from the pains of every day living.
Everyone has problems, and I don't think mine are any greater than anyone else. Perhaps I do not cope with my problems as well, but this is no one's fault by my own.
I am clean today, and I will be clean tomorrow. It is a daily choice.
I want to live. I want to have relationships. I want a special relationship with some lady who cares about me as much as I do her. I want to work, and to write, and to help others. I want to experience pain in its fullness, so that I might be able to love in the fullest sense.
No, it is not easy. But there is no going back. There can be no going back.
I am so grateful for my family and friends. They deserve my honesty and sobriety in return for all the love and compassion they have given me.
Yesterday was tough, but I didn't purchase any cold medicine, so that is something I can build on. I have a lot of writing to do, so there isn't any time to be on anything other than my A game.
God's blessing to everyone on this lovely Sunday.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Into the Woods
Spent some time reflecting in the woods today, while it wasn't raining. Was thinking, man, I could just live out here. And I saw lots of rocks in the creek that I could incorporate into the building structure. It won't be very big, it doesn't need to be. It is just a start, a place for me to live by myself. So I have dug out the old plans and am up to me arse in schematics. If I just didn't have to look for employment and write these darn books I would have a little time on my hands to actually start construction.
I don't care how the weather is, I will work on the son of a gun in inclement conditions. I think I can gain an advantage over time by being HAM, for one, and stubborn as a mule when it comes to resolve.
But I do know that the process will be a long one, simply because of limitations in funds. And manual labor will be difficult to come by. So I might be doing most of the work on my own. Which I am fine with. And the exact start date on building is still probably a while off, simply to make sure that when it is off and running, it is well planned and when hitches happen, which they will, I will be in a position continue with work.
Here is an article from the NY Times that kind of inspired all of this.
I don't care how the weather is, I will work on the son of a gun in inclement conditions. I think I can gain an advantage over time by being HAM, for one, and stubborn as a mule when it comes to resolve.
But I do know that the process will be a long one, simply because of limitations in funds. And manual labor will be difficult to come by. So I might be doing most of the work on my own. Which I am fine with. And the exact start date on building is still probably a while off, simply to make sure that when it is off and running, it is well planned and when hitches happen, which they will, I will be in a position continue with work.
Here is an article from the NY Times that kind of inspired all of this.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
No Alarms and No Surprises....
Please. Sometimes all we want is for things to fall into a predictable routine. But sometimes having things shaken up is the best thing. Stagnation is the recipe for disaster, that being a boring, status quo daily malaise...causing one to not only stop growing, but often times regress into a less evolved organism, one that no longer finds trying and striving for better things the central focus.
It is October already. Hard to believe. That is why today I am posting some tunes. It's Rock-tober here at Ad(am's) Lib.
It is a good day to smile! "We are trying so hard to get it all right. We will only feel lonely at the end of the night....the worst is yet to come...so smile....got no where to go, we will be here for a while, the future isn't given, so smile...."
"You can call me a loser, you can call me a thief, you tell me I am special, then you spit at me." I love these lyrics, and this song by Mikky Ekko. It is hard to say exactly why they are meaningful to me, but I think we can all relate to them at one point or another in our life.
Would you fight for my love? I woke up this morning and I realized that I was not fighting for what was most important to me for the last couple of months. And so things got shaken up. The things that meant the most to me got taken away. Sometimes it takes losing something(s) that are very special to realize what is really important in the first place. "The last poison in the room she heard was the poison that she loved the most. Nobody noticed I was down on the rug, I am getting better at becoming a ghost." Jack White always has a way of giving me new perspective on my life....and after well almost two decades of rocking he seems to only get better at his craft. I can only pray that I have the same passion and career trajectory as Jack, but with writing, even if on a smaller scale. Every day I try to do a little better. The goal used to be 1000 words a day. I am well over that threshold now....a novel I believe should be at least 70,000 words. So now I shoot for 2000 a day, and hope at least 1000 of that is quality material that is ready to go seamlessly into the growing collection.
Well, that is enough ramblings for today. But one more thing before I go....I had a great breakthrough today as far as story line for my next publication (that isn't the Bio.) I can't really say what it is, because that wouldn't be very professional of me....but I will say I am very excited. And glad that I still have passion for my livelihood. :-)
It is October already. Hard to believe. That is why today I am posting some tunes. It's Rock-tober here at Ad(am's) Lib.
It is a good day to smile! "We are trying so hard to get it all right. We will only feel lonely at the end of the night....the worst is yet to come...so smile....got no where to go, we will be here for a while, the future isn't given, so smile...."
"You can call me a loser, you can call me a thief, you tell me I am special, then you spit at me." I love these lyrics, and this song by Mikky Ekko. It is hard to say exactly why they are meaningful to me, but I think we can all relate to them at one point or another in our life.
Would you fight for my love? I woke up this morning and I realized that I was not fighting for what was most important to me for the last couple of months. And so things got shaken up. The things that meant the most to me got taken away. Sometimes it takes losing something(s) that are very special to realize what is really important in the first place. "The last poison in the room she heard was the poison that she loved the most. Nobody noticed I was down on the rug, I am getting better at becoming a ghost." Jack White always has a way of giving me new perspective on my life....and after well almost two decades of rocking he seems to only get better at his craft. I can only pray that I have the same passion and career trajectory as Jack, but with writing, even if on a smaller scale. Every day I try to do a little better. The goal used to be 1000 words a day. I am well over that threshold now....a novel I believe should be at least 70,000 words. So now I shoot for 2000 a day, and hope at least 1000 of that is quality material that is ready to go seamlessly into the growing collection.
Well, that is enough ramblings for today. But one more thing before I go....I had a great breakthrough today as far as story line for my next publication (that isn't the Bio.) I can't really say what it is, because that wouldn't be very professional of me....but I will say I am very excited. And glad that I still have passion for my livelihood. :-)
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Tuesday Bluesday
This isn't going to be a sad, mopey post. But sometimes people get down, it is a fact of life.
I let myself have fifteen minutes a day by myself, in the woods or face buried in pillows, to get a good cry in.
This is the result of not taking drugs or drinking alcohol at the slightest sign on emotion. I have done a pretty bad job of coping with my problems in the past, and this is just a natural result of years of bottled up emotions. I let myself experience the hurt feelings, the love in my heart for people I miss, the pain I have caused others...all of the stuff that floats around in my paleomammilian cortex mixed around like fancy sauce....and it results in a good 15 minute sob fest.
And then I am done. I move on with my day, tackling one obstacle after another. Do this...to get this....to make myself more this....because there is an end result, a vision. It takes a vision to have something to strive for, a reason to get up in the morning...
My vision is simple. Be completely self sufficient. I will live in nature, on a self sufficient, off the grid utopian hippie farm. And when I create this paradise, I will welcome anyone who wants to contribute to my vision, as long as their vision adds and doesn't subtract from the end goal.
Every day I put in the time and effort, and every day I find myself closer to my goal. It could be 3 years down the road, it could be five or even ten. But I will live a long life and there is no time like the present to make your dream a reality.
Today is a Blue Tuesday. Blue, as in the color of my eyes....and the clear autumn SoOh sky. Back to the grind. Like Paul Harvey would say....good day!
I let myself have fifteen minutes a day by myself, in the woods or face buried in pillows, to get a good cry in.
This is the result of not taking drugs or drinking alcohol at the slightest sign on emotion. I have done a pretty bad job of coping with my problems in the past, and this is just a natural result of years of bottled up emotions. I let myself experience the hurt feelings, the love in my heart for people I miss, the pain I have caused others...all of the stuff that floats around in my paleomammilian cortex mixed around like fancy sauce....and it results in a good 15 minute sob fest.
And then I am done. I move on with my day, tackling one obstacle after another. Do this...to get this....to make myself more this....because there is an end result, a vision. It takes a vision to have something to strive for, a reason to get up in the morning...
My vision is simple. Be completely self sufficient. I will live in nature, on a self sufficient, off the grid utopian hippie farm. And when I create this paradise, I will welcome anyone who wants to contribute to my vision, as long as their vision adds and doesn't subtract from the end goal.
Every day I put in the time and effort, and every day I find myself closer to my goal. It could be 3 years down the road, it could be five or even ten. But I will live a long life and there is no time like the present to make your dream a reality.
Today is a Blue Tuesday. Blue, as in the color of my eyes....and the clear autumn SoOh sky. Back to the grind. Like Paul Harvey would say....good day!
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Woke up this morning feeling like Puff Daddy.
I am not going to spend a lot of time on here because I have two novels to finish and very little time to piece them together, set up venues for sales, etc.etc.etc.
But I will say that I am glad to be back in Greenfield. It is nice seeing a bunch of people I haven't had time for...people I grew up with and who always have my back no matter where I go, what I do, or how much of a d-bag I have been in the process.
CD 102.5 was another thing I missed while I was in Dayton. That station plays only good music. I won't even list all the good songs I have heard in the last couple of days because I am afraid I will leave some of them out. If you have been listening you know what I am talking about.
Oktoberfest was nice. Greenfield actually has a decent bar downtown that seems to favor responsible drinkers and I am actually shocked that I had a good time in this town and didn't get arrested. I do appreciate the local authority and everything they do to keep it classy around here. Anyhow, back to the helm. These books....don't.....write......themselves.....
But I will say that I am glad to be back in Greenfield. It is nice seeing a bunch of people I haven't had time for...people I grew up with and who always have my back no matter where I go, what I do, or how much of a d-bag I have been in the process.
CD 102.5 was another thing I missed while I was in Dayton. That station plays only good music. I won't even list all the good songs I have heard in the last couple of days because I am afraid I will leave some of them out. If you have been listening you know what I am talking about.
Oktoberfest was nice. Greenfield actually has a decent bar downtown that seems to favor responsible drinkers and I am actually shocked that I had a good time in this town and didn't get arrested. I do appreciate the local authority and everything they do to keep it classy around here. Anyhow, back to the helm. These books....don't.....write......themselves.....
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Spanking
About four months ago I ranted on and on ( a couple of entries prior to this, just scroll down) about how I was disappointed that we as a society are starting to spare the rod.
I guess I was basing my theory on the fact that I was spanked as a child...and went on to be obedient in class, receive all A's and one B in HS, get a college degree, etc.
But then I started disciplining my girlfriend's son. And soon after I spanked him (which I never enjoyed, and always felt horrible about), he started hitting me and a few of his friends.
I can't help but think this was a result of my spanking him...with some kids it seems to scare the ever loving crap out of them into seemingly well adjusted citizens. With others, it just teaches them that hitting is ok. And it isn't...and I am now against hitting in any shape or form as punishment.
The kid that threw the shoe at the worker was beaten senselessly at home by his foster parents one can only imagine, and was mirroring what she had learned in previous situations. My brief attempt at parenting... I am pretty sure.... resulted in the perpetuation of more violent behavior.
And just like Adrian Peterson was beaten as a child, I received a whole lot of tough love as a kid.
A.D. (Peterson) became the excellent running back he is/was in spite of the beatings.
And it should be said, as soon as I left my parents watchful eye, I became rebellious, started using drugs, and have not been successful since high school. And became a pseudo child abuser along the way.
Hitting kids is no longer an option. We are learning there are better ways to parent, because hitting only begets hitting and we are teaching our children the mistakes we have not learned from, like bullying, and violence.
I will never again use spanking as a disciplinary method. Granted, I have never hit anyone out of anger. Spanking, still, I believe, has had an adverse effect on me long term.
Love your children until they are rotten. And when they make mistakes, take something away. And level with them. They are smart enough to comprehend why they are being punished. Tell them the right way to live. And live a correct life yourself. Because it is YOU who they are emulating.
I guess I was basing my theory on the fact that I was spanked as a child...and went on to be obedient in class, receive all A's and one B in HS, get a college degree, etc.
But then I started disciplining my girlfriend's son. And soon after I spanked him (which I never enjoyed, and always felt horrible about), he started hitting me and a few of his friends.
I can't help but think this was a result of my spanking him...with some kids it seems to scare the ever loving crap out of them into seemingly well adjusted citizens. With others, it just teaches them that hitting is ok. And it isn't...and I am now against hitting in any shape or form as punishment.
The kid that threw the shoe at the worker was beaten senselessly at home by his foster parents one can only imagine, and was mirroring what she had learned in previous situations. My brief attempt at parenting... I am pretty sure.... resulted in the perpetuation of more violent behavior.
And just like Adrian Peterson was beaten as a child, I received a whole lot of tough love as a kid.
A.D. (Peterson) became the excellent running back he is/was in spite of the beatings.
And it should be said, as soon as I left my parents watchful eye, I became rebellious, started using drugs, and have not been successful since high school. And became a pseudo child abuser along the way.
Hitting kids is no longer an option. We are learning there are better ways to parent, because hitting only begets hitting and we are teaching our children the mistakes we have not learned from, like bullying, and violence.
I will never again use spanking as a disciplinary method. Granted, I have never hit anyone out of anger. Spanking, still, I believe, has had an adverse effect on me long term.
Love your children until they are rotten. And when they make mistakes, take something away. And level with them. They are smart enough to comprehend why they are being punished. Tell them the right way to live. And live a correct life yourself. Because it is YOU who they are emulating.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Monday...Monday.
Monday morning, it was all I hoped it would be.
But nothing is guaranteed in this world my friends. Let us never forget that. And let us never forget to appreciate the moment in its entirety.
This Monday morning I have washed a car, made a business call, and wrote a little of my next book. The best way to combat depression is to keep pushing forward. Stay busy. Do not put your securities in objects or human beings...because objects break or become obsolete....and humans will change (or never change) and disappoint you....plus objects and humans are very expensive.
To put your securities and your happiness in your work and your productivity is the absolute best thing you can do in this world. Your livelihood is the foundation of everything else, which you can accumulate and add layers of enjoyment to your life over time, but the essence of your happy is always going to be you, your inner peace, your strength, your faith, and your work.
Alvin Toffler, the author of the 1970 smash hit Future Shock is on my mind this morning. What is this, future shock? It is"...the shattering stress and disorientation that we induce in individuals by subjecting them to too much change in too short of time." I think a lot of us are experiencing future shock right now. I find myself struggling to deal with losing my job, girlfriend, and independence (of my parent's help)...but I am still managing to do a lot of things. I will either grow into a more evolved human being out of this terrible stress and disorientation, or I will fail and perish as a living organism. Survival of the fittest. Only time will tell if I am fit enough for survival in this world.
But giving up is not in my DNA. Not any longer. Suicide floats through my head a couple of times daily, but the only thing you can ensure by attempting suicide is that you will not be able to make things in your life better. You either die, leaving all of the people who love you saddened in your wake, or you fail, and you find yourself in an even worse position than before. I learned this from my previous attempts.
Maybe I am here for a reason. I like to think I have a purpose since I have escaped death so many times. I am still searching for that reason. Maybe I will never find it, and maybe the reason doesn't exist.
But I will enjoy this beautiful fall weather as I go about my day, doing more labor outside. And I will enjoy trying to write a couple more novels. And I will enjoy my true friends who lift me up when I am down. And I will do my best to lift you up if you ever are in need. May you have a blessed Monday morning.
But nothing is guaranteed in this world my friends. Let us never forget that. And let us never forget to appreciate the moment in its entirety.
This Monday morning I have washed a car, made a business call, and wrote a little of my next book. The best way to combat depression is to keep pushing forward. Stay busy. Do not put your securities in objects or human beings...because objects break or become obsolete....and humans will change (or never change) and disappoint you....plus objects and humans are very expensive.
To put your securities and your happiness in your work and your productivity is the absolute best thing you can do in this world. Your livelihood is the foundation of everything else, which you can accumulate and add layers of enjoyment to your life over time, but the essence of your happy is always going to be you, your inner peace, your strength, your faith, and your work.
Alvin Toffler, the author of the 1970 smash hit Future Shock is on my mind this morning. What is this, future shock? It is"...the shattering stress and disorientation that we induce in individuals by subjecting them to too much change in too short of time." I think a lot of us are experiencing future shock right now. I find myself struggling to deal with losing my job, girlfriend, and independence (of my parent's help)...but I am still managing to do a lot of things. I will either grow into a more evolved human being out of this terrible stress and disorientation, or I will fail and perish as a living organism. Survival of the fittest. Only time will tell if I am fit enough for survival in this world.
But giving up is not in my DNA. Not any longer. Suicide floats through my head a couple of times daily, but the only thing you can ensure by attempting suicide is that you will not be able to make things in your life better. You either die, leaving all of the people who love you saddened in your wake, or you fail, and you find yourself in an even worse position than before. I learned this from my previous attempts.
Maybe I am here for a reason. I like to think I have a purpose since I have escaped death so many times. I am still searching for that reason. Maybe I will never find it, and maybe the reason doesn't exist.
But I will enjoy this beautiful fall weather as I go about my day, doing more labor outside. And I will enjoy trying to write a couple more novels. And I will enjoy my true friends who lift me up when I am down. And I will do my best to lift you up if you ever are in need. May you have a blessed Monday morning.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Moving forward.
I guess I have too many female friends. And I guess I have been flirting when I shouldn't have. I have never intended to ever deceive any one who I have been committed to, and I will always give my girlfriend my FB password because I am an open book.
I won't be dating anyone for a long time. Probably like a year or so. I have to put my writing and self bettering first before I commit to another human being.
If I have been talking to you and you are a girl, it has only been out of friendship. Because I am a social creature.
I have to write some books now. Felson Mitchell is a fictional character who plays a whore. I am not Felson Mitchell. I created the persona to try to generate interest in my books. I have to pay my bills.
Adam Honnold is homeless and jobless. And does not treat women like objects. If you are interested in me because you think I am Felson, you are looking in the wrong place.
I am going to go now. I hope everyone has a nice night. I am looking for strength, and it cannot come anywhere except from within myself...
The dark night of the soul...as much as I hate it, this is when I write the best, so that is all I will do from now until I break through....and if I never break through, then I will perish, either by starvation or by the harsh elements.
I won't be dating anyone for a long time. Probably like a year or so. I have to put my writing and self bettering first before I commit to another human being.
If I have been talking to you and you are a girl, it has only been out of friendship. Because I am a social creature.
I have to write some books now. Felson Mitchell is a fictional character who plays a whore. I am not Felson Mitchell. I created the persona to try to generate interest in my books. I have to pay my bills.
Adam Honnold is homeless and jobless. And does not treat women like objects. If you are interested in me because you think I am Felson, you are looking in the wrong place.
I am going to go now. I hope everyone has a nice night. I am looking for strength, and it cannot come anywhere except from within myself...
The dark night of the soul...as much as I hate it, this is when I write the best, so that is all I will do from now until I break through....and if I never break through, then I will perish, either by starvation or by the harsh elements.
Friday, September 19, 2014
My Tribute to a special Lady
I happen to know a single mother...one who I have gotten to know rather well this year. And she is one of the strongest people I know. Because she deals with sciatica without pain medicine. And she owns her own business. And she raises the ORNERIEST six year old child on the planet. (in all fairness, he is a cutie, and has a pretty big heart). He gets his heart honestly, it is a result of his awesome mother, who gives him all the care and love for two parents all in one.
And she doesn't need anyone to make her happy. She finds it in her work, and in her child.
She is a very good graphic designer. She doesn't make a lot of money, but she is resourceful and she gets by.
She works out every day. And she eats very healthy(healthily). And she is more beautiful than for which she gives herself credit . She follows her dreams, every day, and is an inspiration to me.
And she is very caring. So caring, that she gives a guy who didn't really deserve anything a chance to live with her for the best four months in his recent memory, more than enough time to try to put his life together, asking very little in return. And I was ungrateful for what I had, and messed up my chance to go any further with her. She deserved better than what I gave her, I put my vices before her, and I do not fault her or feel wronged in any way. I know she will find what she does deserve from somebody, and that person will be very lucky.
It will be a while before I find someone I admire more than this lady.
.........
When I am finished with this next novel, which will be before Christmas, I will need a website to promote my work and my blogs and run sales through. And I wouldn't go to another person to give my business. If you need a professional touch for your website, or need a classy, timeless logo for your business, I would recommend you go here.
.........
I have a lot of growing to do as a person. Every day I will try to make myself a better person because of the inspiration you have given me. Thank you for making me feel like I deserve more than I probably in all actuality deserve. I am sincerely apologetic if I brought any negativity into your life. And know that you did everything you could to make it work. The fact that it didn't work in no way shape or form has anything to do with any lack of effort on your part, and I appreciate with fondness the memories I have of the time you allowed me to be part of your family.
And she doesn't need anyone to make her happy. She finds it in her work, and in her child.
She is a very good graphic designer. She doesn't make a lot of money, but she is resourceful and she gets by.
She works out every day. And she eats very healthy(healthily). And she is more beautiful than for which she gives herself credit . She follows her dreams, every day, and is an inspiration to me.
And she is very caring. So caring, that she gives a guy who didn't really deserve anything a chance to live with her for the best four months in his recent memory, more than enough time to try to put his life together, asking very little in return. And I was ungrateful for what I had, and messed up my chance to go any further with her. She deserved better than what I gave her, I put my vices before her, and I do not fault her or feel wronged in any way. I know she will find what she does deserve from somebody, and that person will be very lucky.
It will be a while before I find someone I admire more than this lady.
.........
When I am finished with this next novel, which will be before Christmas, I will need a website to promote my work and my blogs and run sales through. And I wouldn't go to another person to give my business. If you need a professional touch for your website, or need a classy, timeless logo for your business, I would recommend you go here.
.........
I have a lot of growing to do as a person. Every day I will try to make myself a better person because of the inspiration you have given me. Thank you for making me feel like I deserve more than I probably in all actuality deserve. I am sincerely apologetic if I brought any negativity into your life. And know that you did everything you could to make it work. The fact that it didn't work in no way shape or form has anything to do with any lack of effort on your part, and I appreciate with fondness the memories I have of the time you allowed me to be part of your family.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
7/15/2014
Well, life is pretty good right now and it weird because I really can't complain and that causes me a little anxiety because I really, really, really love complaining.
I am busy painting cabinets and fixing up a house to try to get it sold. I am collaborating with my partner in crime on building mini-mobile houses on trailers. Designs have been made and competitions entered, and we are hoping to win some money and solar panels for our efforts. If nothing else, we still have the designs.
I have been learning a lot from a six year old and playing lots of Mario Kart and Super Mario Brothers 3 and beating him like a school child (at Mario Kart, not real life.) He is ornery as hell, which I suppose is Karma paying me back for all of my past transgressions. So there was a little bit of complaining, and I feel better.
Lots of lawn care and just working like a water dog all of the time. And I am not writing any books currently because either you don't like my work or find it worth the Amazon or Kindle pricing, or you are buying them and Amazon is lying about my sales. So I am done with novels until I get a pay check. I wasn't lying when I said show me the money.
Anyhow, I love you all, probably more than you love me, but heck, who cares, life is good. Be easy and stay thirsty, my little minions.
I am busy painting cabinets and fixing up a house to try to get it sold. I am collaborating with my partner in crime on building mini-mobile houses on trailers. Designs have been made and competitions entered, and we are hoping to win some money and solar panels for our efforts. If nothing else, we still have the designs.
I have been learning a lot from a six year old and playing lots of Mario Kart and Super Mario Brothers 3 and beating him like a school child (at Mario Kart, not real life.) He is ornery as hell, which I suppose is Karma paying me back for all of my past transgressions. So there was a little bit of complaining, and I feel better.
Lots of lawn care and just working like a water dog all of the time. And I am not writing any books currently because either you don't like my work or find it worth the Amazon or Kindle pricing, or you are buying them and Amazon is lying about my sales. So I am done with novels until I get a pay check. I wasn't lying when I said show me the money.
Anyhow, I love you all, probably more than you love me, but heck, who cares, life is good. Be easy and stay thirsty, my little minions.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
NFL Minor Leagues (aka NCAA)
Lets all take a step back and take a deep breath for goodness' sake!
How are we supposed to pay our enslaved athletes? Because let's face it, they aren't getting a good education anyhow and are simply being used as employees for the collegiate sporting landscape from the moment they go through Pop Warner as little ballers.
Can we just go ahead and take the college aspect away from the charade that is D1 football?
I mean, what would be so wrong about it? Pay all of the football players 30k for the football season. The revenue that is generated from the games and bowls still goes to feed the other sports and students. Offer the employees (the football players) low cost courses in a skill or field of their choice, because most of them will not end up making it out of the farm system.
Otherwise, I suggest we just start a minor league football system that has nothing to do with college whatsoever. That way we can still have our glorious fall Saturday showdowns.
How are we supposed to pay our enslaved athletes? Because let's face it, they aren't getting a good education anyhow and are simply being used as employees for the collegiate sporting landscape from the moment they go through Pop Warner as little ballers.
Can we just go ahead and take the college aspect away from the charade that is D1 football?
I mean, what would be so wrong about it? Pay all of the football players 30k for the football season. The revenue that is generated from the games and bowls still goes to feed the other sports and students. Offer the employees (the football players) low cost courses in a skill or field of their choice, because most of them will not end up making it out of the farm system.
Otherwise, I suggest we just start a minor league football system that has nothing to do with college whatsoever. That way we can still have our glorious fall Saturday showdowns.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Complainings
I am so sick of people and society in general and am on the whole ashamed to call myself a human being because somehow, through genetics, I am related to every one of you stupid MFers.
Not you, I like you because you are reading this. The proverbial you.
I am watching the news and some child at some daycare center is throwing a temper tantrum and throws a shoe at the worker.
That worker threw the shoe back and appropriately hit the insubordinate child in return.
The worker is now facing charges of being unsuitable to instruct or be around children. How is it that we have let the rotten kids, and their rotten parents get away time and time again with turning the problem upside down on its head to the point where disciplinary correction is no longer an answer with stupid, yes I said stupid, willfully disobedient children?
I am so mad that the law is going to favor yet again the victim of this horrible crime (read sarcasm) and the rotten child will be vindicated for said rotten behavior at the expense of a fed up and caring (yes I said caring) instructor who was trying to get through to the child that this behavior is NOT ACCEPTABLE?
I am done ranting. And I learned some new information, the kid is in foster care and probably has serious mental issues on top of the fact that she was probably beaten senselessly by her parents to be in the foster system to begin with. But I know good teachers have been crucified for trying to discipline bratty children in the past and it really aggravates me that we as a society are raising so many horrible children. I just continue to lose faith in humanity and it kills me.
That is all.
Not you, I like you because you are reading this. The proverbial you.
I am watching the news and some child at some daycare center is throwing a temper tantrum and throws a shoe at the worker.
That worker threw the shoe back and appropriately hit the insubordinate child in return.
The worker is now facing charges of being unsuitable to instruct or be around children. How is it that we have let the rotten kids, and their rotten parents get away time and time again with turning the problem upside down on its head to the point where disciplinary correction is no longer an answer with stupid, yes I said stupid, willfully disobedient children?
I am so mad that the law is going to favor yet again the victim of this horrible crime (read sarcasm) and the rotten child will be vindicated for said rotten behavior at the expense of a fed up and caring (yes I said caring) instructor who was trying to get through to the child that this behavior is NOT ACCEPTABLE?
I am done ranting. And I learned some new information, the kid is in foster care and probably has serious mental issues on top of the fact that she was probably beaten senselessly by her parents to be in the foster system to begin with. But I know good teachers have been crucified for trying to discipline bratty children in the past and it really aggravates me that we as a society are raising so many horrible children. I just continue to lose faith in humanity and it kills me.
That is all.
Thursday Blogging No More Slogging.
In a rare moment of eureka I associated The Butcher by Radiohead and Courage the Cowardly Dog with one another. There is some kind of fundamental reality in the worrier. Is Thom Yorke saying warrior? Or is he saying worrier? Courage is the biggest worry wart of a dog, and yet he is the one who is always saving the day through his heroic feats.
Here are the lyrics for The Butcher.
"The Butcher"
[Beauty will destroy your mind
Spare the gory details
Give them gift wrapped for the man with everything
Though I lived a lonely life
I was confused
A butcher
I feel nothing
As it courses up my arms in position of the worms
Up, up through my heart and to my brain
I’m a big slab of basic combination cut out chopped liver on the block
My heart’s still pumping
My heart’s still pumping
He’s a warrior
A warrior
Here’s a little bitch coming outta him
He’s a warrior
A warrior
Here’s a little bitch coming outta him
Coming outta him.]
So what is it? Today, are you a warrior? Or a worrier?
Here are the lyrics for The Butcher.
"The Butcher"
[Beauty will destroy your mind
Spare the gory details
Give them gift wrapped for the man with everything
Though I lived a lonely life
I was confused
A butcher
I feel nothing
As it courses up my arms in position of the worms
Up, up through my heart and to my brain
I’m a big slab of basic combination cut out chopped liver on the block
My heart’s still pumping
My heart’s still pumping
He’s a warrior
A warrior
Here’s a little bitch coming outta him
He’s a warrior
A warrior
Here’s a little bitch coming outta him
Coming outta him.]
So what is it? Today, are you a warrior? Or a worrier?
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Wednesday Blogging Fun
I was a little pessimistic in that last post. I edited to make it less pessimistic than it was, so if you feel like reading it again, it will likely be a little rosier. I would like to apologize for using this blog as means of venting. It isn't the brightest idea to air one's troubles for all the world to see.
That is all of the talk about the last post you will get here. What I am going to talk about today is in line with the writings of one of my favorite authors of all time, Carl Sagan. As I have read all of his books, yet have none of them on hand, I can't be sure which one it is I am referring to (I think it was Dragons of Eden, or maybe Cosmos, one of the two) so forgive me for not being able to give you a direct quote. Carl wrote something along these lines, that dogs, our furry four legged friends, have some degree of consciousness, as do all animals with brains. They are aware of the world around them. He went on to postulate that dogs might perceive humans as Gods. This would be a reasonable assumption. Somewhere along history the canine became domesticated. As we evolved together, dogs must have been pretty amazed at the abilities of human beings. Like, wow, you can provide me with food, I don't know how you do it, but you do...they may have indeed thought we were godlike. By and large, on a cognitive scale, we are much more advanced than dogs, after all. Dogs cannot speak the way humans do in sentences composed of words. They can bark, which can mean any number of things to dogs that perhaps we humans are not equipped to understand. But shoot, I can bark too. Bark. There, I just did it. I have absolutely no idea what I just said in dog, but I said it. Or rather barked it.
So Steve, my canine best friend in the whole world and I were driving to Wal-Mart, and I placed myself in Steve's head for a second. His world is pretty small, but it is ever expanding, as I continue to take him places he has never seen or smelled before. I wonder if he imagines how large the planet we live on is, and how many different scents there are out there? I wonder if he has any concept of a round planet floating in outer space. Probably not. But wouldn't all the buildings and streets and cars and lights and chattering humans be pretty befuddling for a dog? Wouldn't you, as a dog, simply be blown away by all that mankind has created? Shoot, I am a human and I am pretty blown away. It is pretty impressive.
I sometimes like to think that dogs communicate through their sense of smell more so than through oral/aural/verbal communication. I mean, dogs have sniffers that are far more advanced than humans. They don't use blood hounds to track down a particular scent (criminal or prey) for nothing, after all.
Anyhow, that is all you get for today. Love on a dog if you see one. They are loving you a whole lot right back.
That is all of the talk about the last post you will get here. What I am going to talk about today is in line with the writings of one of my favorite authors of all time, Carl Sagan. As I have read all of his books, yet have none of them on hand, I can't be sure which one it is I am referring to (I think it was Dragons of Eden, or maybe Cosmos, one of the two) so forgive me for not being able to give you a direct quote. Carl wrote something along these lines, that dogs, our furry four legged friends, have some degree of consciousness, as do all animals with brains. They are aware of the world around them. He went on to postulate that dogs might perceive humans as Gods. This would be a reasonable assumption. Somewhere along history the canine became domesticated. As we evolved together, dogs must have been pretty amazed at the abilities of human beings. Like, wow, you can provide me with food, I don't know how you do it, but you do...they may have indeed thought we were godlike. By and large, on a cognitive scale, we are much more advanced than dogs, after all. Dogs cannot speak the way humans do in sentences composed of words. They can bark, which can mean any number of things to dogs that perhaps we humans are not equipped to understand. But shoot, I can bark too. Bark. There, I just did it. I have absolutely no idea what I just said in dog, but I said it. Or rather barked it.
So Steve, my canine best friend in the whole world and I were driving to Wal-Mart, and I placed myself in Steve's head for a second. His world is pretty small, but it is ever expanding, as I continue to take him places he has never seen or smelled before. I wonder if he imagines how large the planet we live on is, and how many different scents there are out there? I wonder if he has any concept of a round planet floating in outer space. Probably not. But wouldn't all the buildings and streets and cars and lights and chattering humans be pretty befuddling for a dog? Wouldn't you, as a dog, simply be blown away by all that mankind has created? Shoot, I am a human and I am pretty blown away. It is pretty impressive.
I sometimes like to think that dogs communicate through their sense of smell more so than through oral/aural/verbal communication. I mean, dogs have sniffers that are far more advanced than humans. They don't use blood hounds to track down a particular scent (criminal or prey) for nothing, after all.
Anyhow, that is all you get for today. Love on a dog if you see one. They are loving you a whole lot right back.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Good morning everyone!
I know, it has been quite some time since I have sat down and put my fingers to the keyboard. Just so much is going on in this world, you know, it is hard to keep up. But I am taking a little slice out of my day to say that I still have a lot of hate in my heart towards humanity in general.
I don't have a job. I am working on getting employed but it is difficult. I must be a burned out jerk face who has nothing to offer to society except my opinion which lets face it nobody wants..... the day has changed but the colors are all the same. I don't really believe any of that but that seems to be the general consensus.
This is not a pity party. It is however an opportunity to better one's self. Myself not excluded. We are all ONE.
Why don't we better ourselves today. Evolve like a good human organism. Consciousness comes with no road map. Study your awareness and give to the community before it is to late....
This is the only life you have....Yolo.........so stupid.........but you better get it right.
I don't have a job. I am working on getting employed but it is difficult. I must be a burned out jerk face who has nothing to offer to society except my opinion which lets face it nobody wants..... the day has changed but the colors are all the same. I don't really believe any of that but that seems to be the general consensus.
This is not a pity party. It is however an opportunity to better one's self. Myself not excluded. We are all ONE.
Why don't we better ourselves today. Evolve like a good human organism. Consciousness comes with no road map. Study your awareness and give to the community before it is to late....
This is the only life you have....Yolo.........so stupid.........but you better get it right.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
On Grouper Fish and Cans of Worms Better Left Closed.
So there was once this dime that totally got my attention...and perhaps I read into things too much, this is usually generally the case....but all the signs were there. A connection had been made. Very seldom does a lady imprint her essence into this guarded soul, but as fate would have it, Ahab found his white whale.
This grouper fish was the catch of the sea, and I would end up wrangling it for days like that poor bastard in The Old Man and the Sea. Just like that poor son of a bitch, I ended up coming back to shore with absolutely nothing but my whopper of a story.
I think that sometimes ladies like to drive the ever loving shit out of men. It is their way of letting us know they are the superior sex, and that we have not paid for our sins of generations of gender inequality. The feminine is very much alive and she is pissed and out for blood.
Sometimes things work out perfectly. Other times, things are so completely out of our control that it makes us throw expensive telephones against the wall out of sheer inability to deal with the mother fucker that is reality. This week was one of those times.
But, we are resilient. And I will shut the can of worms and forget about it. And if the can of worms ever comes around again, I will know to stay the fuck away.
I look forward to going to Chicago again someday. And tonight I will be dreaming of Jacksonville Florida, and how wonderful it was when I lived there a lifetime ago.
This grouper fish was the catch of the sea, and I would end up wrangling it for days like that poor bastard in The Old Man and the Sea. Just like that poor son of a bitch, I ended up coming back to shore with absolutely nothing but my whopper of a story.
I think that sometimes ladies like to drive the ever loving shit out of men. It is their way of letting us know they are the superior sex, and that we have not paid for our sins of generations of gender inequality. The feminine is very much alive and she is pissed and out for blood.
Sometimes things work out perfectly. Other times, things are so completely out of our control that it makes us throw expensive telephones against the wall out of sheer inability to deal with the mother fucker that is reality. This week was one of those times.
But, we are resilient. And I will shut the can of worms and forget about it. And if the can of worms ever comes around again, I will know to stay the fuck away.
I look forward to going to Chicago again someday. And tonight I will be dreaming of Jacksonville Florida, and how wonderful it was when I lived there a lifetime ago.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Sleepless til noon
Why would she make, calls out the blue? Now I am awake, sleepless til noon.
Kanye, thank you for putting into music and words every emotion that I seem to go through on this strange journey.
To anyone I have ever wronged, inadvertently or not, I ask your forgiveness.
On a less reflective and solemn note...it is shaping up to be a brighter future.
Might need to get some SPF 30.
Kanye, thank you for putting into music and words every emotion that I seem to go through on this strange journey.
To anyone I have ever wronged, inadvertently or not, I ask your forgiveness.
On a less reflective and solemn note...it is shaping up to be a brighter future.
Might need to get some SPF 30.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
The Ups and Downs of Sobriety
I said that this year was the year I would kick all of my vices. So far, so good.
After a minor relapse earlier in the year, it has been quite a while since I have last used any sort of mood altering substance.
I find that time seems to slow down.
At least, the last two months seem like they have been the longest two months of my life. Sometimes I don't like the long days and even longer nights. When you have spent a majority of the last few years trying to push any and all emotion away, treating feelings as though they were some kind of communicable disease, it is more than a little difficult coping with the plethora of fluctuating moods that come with sober life.
I guess I was always a little more emotional than most males. I suppose I always saw it as a weakness. But now I am forced to deal with them, whether I like doing so or not (and I often don't).
And the damn dreams...all night long, dreams about people I guess my soul longs to be with even though it is impossible. To think the dreaming doesn't happen when I am drugged. This seems awful masochistic.
Resolve stays strong.
I have no friends...at least none that I can hang out with. It is hard meeting sober friends when all you do is work and stay at home.
Every episode of Star Trek TNG, shows I have watched many times over in my past, move me to tears for reasons I cannot even explain.
At least, I do not think about my ex wife negatively anymore. I don't really think about her at all unless she texts me out of nowhere. (why she does this when she is remarried, I cannot explain either)...
I do not dwell on all of the things that I used to resent about my past that lead to my ultimate collapse. I do however miss certain people...
I sort of hope nobody reads this. Its kind of embarrassing, and I don't know why.
Better get back to work.
After a minor relapse earlier in the year, it has been quite a while since I have last used any sort of mood altering substance.
I find that time seems to slow down.
At least, the last two months seem like they have been the longest two months of my life. Sometimes I don't like the long days and even longer nights. When you have spent a majority of the last few years trying to push any and all emotion away, treating feelings as though they were some kind of communicable disease, it is more than a little difficult coping with the plethora of fluctuating moods that come with sober life.
I guess I was always a little more emotional than most males. I suppose I always saw it as a weakness. But now I am forced to deal with them, whether I like doing so or not (and I often don't).
And the damn dreams...all night long, dreams about people I guess my soul longs to be with even though it is impossible. To think the dreaming doesn't happen when I am drugged. This seems awful masochistic.
Resolve stays strong.
I have no friends...at least none that I can hang out with. It is hard meeting sober friends when all you do is work and stay at home.
Every episode of Star Trek TNG, shows I have watched many times over in my past, move me to tears for reasons I cannot even explain.
At least, I do not think about my ex wife negatively anymore. I don't really think about her at all unless she texts me out of nowhere. (why she does this when she is remarried, I cannot explain either)...
I do not dwell on all of the things that I used to resent about my past that lead to my ultimate collapse. I do however miss certain people...
I sort of hope nobody reads this. Its kind of embarrassing, and I don't know why.
Better get back to work.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Custards Last Stand
It is a little odd that the two most famous people in my family are the world's greatest free solo rock climber and the most famed Injun killer of all time.
And here am I. I married a native American. I paid for my grandfather's sins. That was almost a lifetime ago, it seems, but after being thoroughly evicerated by the vultures I was given my freedom back. What I didn't realize was that freedom cost a buck oh five plus tax.
One thing kept me going while I was figuring out how to get out of the mistake I had made, and that was the possibility that once I was finished pouring everything I had into the never ending cauldron of neediness, was the thought that I might be able to find someone who would build me back up again.
It never happened.
I pretty much dove into insanity headfirst, most of you got to witness it, and now all we have left is a crazy, hateful, POS that I never thought I would be...but I am. I am angry not at you guys, you don't owe me anything. I am angry with myself. And now I have a mild form of Tourrette's Syndrome, which makes me a liability in just about every social situation I am faced with.
But even crazy people can write. Maybe that is what my job here is to do? I don't know. I can't Google it.
Why did I misspell General Custer's name?
Caus. Tards.
And here am I. I married a native American. I paid for my grandfather's sins. That was almost a lifetime ago, it seems, but after being thoroughly evicerated by the vultures I was given my freedom back. What I didn't realize was that freedom cost a buck oh five plus tax.
One thing kept me going while I was figuring out how to get out of the mistake I had made, and that was the possibility that once I was finished pouring everything I had into the never ending cauldron of neediness, was the thought that I might be able to find someone who would build me back up again.
It never happened.
I pretty much dove into insanity headfirst, most of you got to witness it, and now all we have left is a crazy, hateful, POS that I never thought I would be...but I am. I am angry not at you guys, you don't owe me anything. I am angry with myself. And now I have a mild form of Tourrette's Syndrome, which makes me a liability in just about every social situation I am faced with.
But even crazy people can write. Maybe that is what my job here is to do? I don't know. I can't Google it.
Why did I misspell General Custer's name?
Caus. Tards.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Here's another Hit, Bury bonds.
We've gone through too much BS to mess with these drunk and hot girls.
Yellow Springs is full of drunk hot girls.
Got accused of being a spy. On top of being accused of being a robot.
All I am trying to do is find a spot to grow my own evolutionary branch. That is all.
And a book is still sitting here, not being read by anyone but myself and a few friends, until the time is right.
I love all of you, Planet Earth. Humanity, you might be the worst aspect of planet Earth, but I love you too.
Ach
Yellow Springs is full of drunk hot girls.
Got accused of being a spy. On top of being accused of being a robot.
All I am trying to do is find a spot to grow my own evolutionary branch. That is all.
And a book is still sitting here, not being read by anyone but myself and a few friends, until the time is right.
I love all of you, Planet Earth. Humanity, you might be the worst aspect of planet Earth, but I love you too.
Ach
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
The Human League
You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met you.
I picked you up. I shook you up.
And turned you around, turned you into someone new.
Then we listened to Depeche Mode.
Precious and fragile things need special handling.
My God! What have we done to you?
----
It is getting kind of 80's over here at the casa. There was so much good music made in that decade, it was just ridiculous. Here I am thirty years later, and it still sounds as pertinent today as it did to me then.
I picked you up. I shook you up.
And turned you around, turned you into someone new.
Then we listened to Depeche Mode.
Precious and fragile things need special handling.
My God! What have we done to you?
----
It is getting kind of 80's over here at the casa. There was so much good music made in that decade, it was just ridiculous. Here I am thirty years later, and it still sounds as pertinent today as it did to me then.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Maybe I should just sleep instead of Write
REM sleep. It can be pretty tough. Last night I got raped by some hot lady I have never met before.
It was ok I guess...
I just wish that the real world were a little more like my dreams. And I wish there was a nightmare filter. I wouldn't want to go back to the concentration camp dreams.
It was ok I guess...
I just wish that the real world were a little more like my dreams. And I wish there was a nightmare filter. I wouldn't want to go back to the concentration camp dreams.
More support for Yeezus
Maybe this site should just be an unofficial Kanye West support blog.
I would say my top five artists of all time would be, in no particular order....
Radiohead
The Police
REM
Van Halen
and THE Kanye West.
I would also say that 50 percent of the time these days I got Yeezy on deck. He gets better and better, and shows no sign of slowing down.
You might not like the ego that comes along with the product, but he has never rested on his laurels, and continues to push the envelope with this sound and with his lyrics.
At least he continues to grow as an artist, which is more than those fish sticks at South Park can say. That show used to be my absolute favorite, wouldn't miss an episode for nuthin.
Now it is barely watchable. They need to hire me as a writer, and I am not even joking.
This is for you Kanye, in a world full of stupid haters.
I would say my top five artists of all time would be, in no particular order....
Radiohead
The Police
REM
Van Halen
and THE Kanye West.
I would also say that 50 percent of the time these days I got Yeezy on deck. He gets better and better, and shows no sign of slowing down.
You might not like the ego that comes along with the product, but he has never rested on his laurels, and continues to push the envelope with this sound and with his lyrics.
At least he continues to grow as an artist, which is more than those fish sticks at South Park can say. That show used to be my absolute favorite, wouldn't miss an episode for nuthin.
Now it is barely watchable. They need to hire me as a writer, and I am not even joking.
This is for you Kanye, in a world full of stupid haters.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Thank you for your constant surveillance.
You will have to pay me a lot of money to swallow one of your stupid microchips.
Nevermind, I probably already have like 4 million inside me already.
You guys should all burn in hell.
Nevermind, I probably already have like 4 million inside me already.
You guys should all burn in hell.
Late Registration
And I heard em say, nothing is ever promised tomorrow, today.
But we will find a way.
Today I take my Jeopardy quiz. Nervous? You know it. Editing to keep my mind off it and ...
Nothing lasts forever but be honest babe.
It hurts but it may be the only way.
Money is the key, so keep breathing. Stay focused. I hate you ugly bastards.
One love. ACH
But we will find a way.
Today I take my Jeopardy quiz. Nervous? You know it. Editing to keep my mind off it and ...
Nothing lasts forever but be honest babe.
It hurts but it may be the only way.
Money is the key, so keep breathing. Stay focused. I hate you ugly bastards.
One love. ACH
Sunday, January 5, 2014
There are leaders...and then there's followers.
I would rather be a dick than a swallower.
I am losing "friends" at an unprecedented rate. It is a good thing that '14 is all about killing the ego consciousness and dropping attachments. This world is a corpse, rotting, maggot infested and disgusting.
It is funny you should like the sober me far less than the medicated one. All this tells me is that you would like for me to stay fucked up.
But I have stopped listening to you. All you have done is feed me lies my entire life. I make my own path now. And if I offend a few people on the way, well, get the fuck over it. You asked for it, you got it. Toyota.
I am losing "friends" at an unprecedented rate. It is a good thing that '14 is all about killing the ego consciousness and dropping attachments. This world is a corpse, rotting, maggot infested and disgusting.
It is funny you should like the sober me far less than the medicated one. All this tells me is that you would like for me to stay fucked up.
But I have stopped listening to you. All you have done is feed me lies my entire life. I make my own path now. And if I offend a few people on the way, well, get the fuck over it. You asked for it, you got it. Toyota.
-(Midas Touch)
If I am the opposite of King Midas, and everything I touch turns to shit....
Then I want to endorse this two party political system.
Thank you and Toots McGoots.
Then I want to endorse this two party political system.
Thank you and Toots McGoots.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Mona Lisa.
I know something you don't know....
I know how my next book goes.....
You might have read the first 9/10ths.....
But you do not know how it ends.......
And you will never find out until I get paid. SHOW ME THE MONEY!
I know how my next book goes.....
You might have read the first 9/10ths.....
But you do not know how it ends.......
And you will never find out until I get paid. SHOW ME THE MONEY!
How is this for logic?
How exactly will I pay my dues to society and become a nice little tax payer when you guys won't even give me any money? Don't make a lot of sense. That is, unless you really just want me to kill myself. Which is exactly why I won't until I get paid.
I say a lot of things I don't really mean.
But I am one hundred percent serious about this. You better pay me, or I will do that which you do not want. I know what you *want* but I won't do it. Not until you pay me.
F*@# Facebook in the Face
I am reactivating my account. Sorry Google. I don't have any pay checks from you yet so my loyalty isn't concrete just yet.
Plus, it isn't because I want to talk to anyone. I hate most of those guys. I am addicted to Zynga Texas Hold'em and my account is already built up to the point where I have some money and don't get craptastic hands any longer, and don't feel like building something else up that is a complete waste of time when I already have perfectly decent wastes of time already.
Not to mention most of my fans are on FB and not Google +, so if they are going to know to come to this page and find out that I am done with my second novel, they will find it out there most likely.
Feeling pretty epic right now. I had some vicious dreams last night. But I didn't dream about fishing so it couldn't have been that bad. I will take dreams about concentration camps any night over fish dreams.
Plus I don't get priapism like raging boners that last for 6 hours and that makes me a lot more rested in the morning.
9 million dollars, amazon.com twats. 100 dollar bills, unmarked, non consecutive. I am not commodity. I am not your movie screen.
Slave life. One Love.
Plus, it isn't because I want to talk to anyone. I hate most of those guys. I am addicted to Zynga Texas Hold'em and my account is already built up to the point where I have some money and don't get craptastic hands any longer, and don't feel like building something else up that is a complete waste of time when I already have perfectly decent wastes of time already.
Not to mention most of my fans are on FB and not Google +, so if they are going to know to come to this page and find out that I am done with my second novel, they will find it out there most likely.
Feeling pretty epic right now. I had some vicious dreams last night. But I didn't dream about fishing so it couldn't have been that bad. I will take dreams about concentration camps any night over fish dreams.
Plus I don't get priapism like raging boners that last for 6 hours and that makes me a lot more rested in the morning.
9 million dollars, amazon.com twats. 100 dollar bills, unmarked, non consecutive. I am not commodity. I am not your movie screen.
Slave life. One Love.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Looks like we are on our way
The convulsing and the sweating seems to have subsided. Now it is just lots of REM sleep and feelings of emptiness.
But I am serious. This is the year I steal my life back from the daemons.
Why do I keep getting calls from my ex? She is the successful one....getting married to some other shmuck and I still get to suffer the consequences of the stupidest and most selfless decision I have ever made in my life...giving my last name to her...
Perhaps she misses how fucking awesome I am. You wait a couple months and you gone see, you will never find nobody better than me.
In the night I hear em talk the coldest story ever told somewhere far along the road belongs the soul...
to a woman so heartless.
But I am serious. This is the year I steal my life back from the daemons.
Why do I keep getting calls from my ex? She is the successful one....getting married to some other shmuck and I still get to suffer the consequences of the stupidest and most selfless decision I have ever made in my life...giving my last name to her...
Perhaps she misses how fucking awesome I am. You wait a couple months and you gone see, you will never find nobody better than me.
In the night I hear em talk the coldest story ever told somewhere far along the road belongs the soul...
to a woman so heartless.
I am done with Facebook.
It is K Mart as far as I am concerned, and we all know K Mart sucks ass.
I am all Google now. But you are on the hot seat now. Help me help you. Lets take those fuckers at Facebook down and change the world.
I am all Google now. But you are on the hot seat now. Help me help you. Lets take those fuckers at Facebook down and change the world.
Who has the biggest &ick?
Greenfield Ohio.
His name is Adam Conrad Honnold, and I am one bad motherfucking Robo Cop.
I guess if you have a big heart and really love those around you, you have to be a dick to them sometimes to get them to bend to your will.
I am by most accounts mild mannered. But I can be a huge fucking prick when I don't get my way.
I am still waiting on my check. 8 million, unmarked Benjamen's, not a penny less.
I am done being your slave Amazon.com. You start paying me or the world doesn't get to find out what happens with Maxwell.
His name is Adam Conrad Honnold, and I am one bad motherfucking Robo Cop.
I guess if you have a big heart and really love those around you, you have to be a dick to them sometimes to get them to bend to your will.
I am by most accounts mild mannered. But I can be a huge fucking prick when I don't get my way.
I am still waiting on my check. 8 million, unmarked Benjamen's, not a penny less.
I am done being your slave Amazon.com. You start paying me or the world doesn't get to find out what happens with Maxwell.
Why did I have many lines cast? You axe
The reason I hit on every attractive female I see is because I feel like at least one of them wants a little Conrad in her life. Honnold's have good DNA. We might be a little crazy, some would say our family has a curse, but we are attractive, brilliant, funny, and at the end of the day, we are good God fearing sombitches. Except for Alex. He is a militant atheist. Funny he should be the more popular cousin. Maybe I should get out of the Jesus game.
If you have ever been hit on by me, you should pat yourself on the back. You had a chance to get with me, and you opted to say no. Which I guess makes you pretty fucking special. Like short bus special.
So now I am setting my sights on bigger and better prizes, I want you all to go fuck yourselves and buy my books.
2014. We are in it to win it.
If you have ever been hit on by me, you should pat yourself on the back. You had a chance to get with me, and you opted to say no. Which I guess makes you pretty fucking special. Like short bus special.
So now I am setting my sights on bigger and better prizes, I want you all to go fuck yourselves and buy my books.
2014. We are in it to win it.
Holding on for Life
Sometimes I feel like I am hanging by a thread. How much longer can it hold?
I think that this song is about legalization of Mary Jewanna.
It is weird that my mother's name is Mary Jayne, and she has never smoked before in her life!
And all the stupid fucking back pain she has would disappear if only weed would be legalized for medicinal purposes.
Me, I much prefer it recreation-ally. Too bad I am more about getting paid and getting laid in 14 than getting stoned. I am really much nicer when I am high.
Fuck you guys, fuck you very much.
I am thinking more along the lines of seven figures. The number will increase the longer I am forced to wait.
Again, fuck you all.
I think that this song is about legalization of Mary Jewanna.
It is weird that my mother's name is Mary Jayne, and she has never smoked before in her life!
And all the stupid fucking back pain she has would disappear if only weed would be legalized for medicinal purposes.
Me, I much prefer it recreation-ally. Too bad I am more about getting paid and getting laid in 14 than getting stoned. I am really much nicer when I am high.
Fuck you guys, fuck you very much.
I am thinking more along the lines of seven figures. The number will increase the longer I am forced to wait.
Again, fuck you all.
My Dissertation
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Wake up Mr Conrad Mr West Mr Fresh Mr.... by hisself he so impressed
I mean *damn* did you even see the test you got D's motherfucker D's!?!?
Rosie Perez. And yes, barely passed any and every class,
looking at every ass
cheated on every test
I guess?
this is my dissertation homie
this shit is basic
this is my dissertation.
I still hate you guys so much. Look how far we done came.
You will never steal MY streetness.
I am waiting on my big fucking check, better be six figures at least....and then we will get back to work.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Wake up Mr Conrad Mr West Mr Fresh Mr.... by hisself he so impressed
I mean *damn* did you even see the test you got D's motherfucker D's!?!?
Rosie Perez. And yes, barely passed any and every class,
looking at every ass
cheated on every test
I guess?
this is my dissertation homie
this shit is basic
this is my dissertation.
I still hate you guys so much. Look how far we done came.
You will never steal MY streetness.
I am waiting on my big fucking check, better be six figures at least....and then we will get back to work.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Next day.
I went to sleep like I said I would, I am back up now.
I still hate you guys.
Now that I am not supporting Facebook, I hope you will all email me or call or text. Or leave a fucking comment, I don't care.
You thought it was bad....now shit is about to get real. 8==D****(your face)
I still hate you guys.
Now that I am not supporting Facebook, I hope you will all email me or call or text. Or leave a fucking comment, I don't care.
You thought it was bad....now shit is about to get real. 8==D****(your face)
One more thing and then I will go to sleep I promise.
You will probably like the sober me much less than the fucked up one. I thought I was doing you all a favor, but it is YOU that gets what you asked for, not me.
New Plan
I will NOT publish any more books until I have a nice big check in my hand. You can all go fuck yourselves.
The world is very strange.
Since it is 2014 and I am no longer attaching myself to anything, chemical, idea, or individual, I will probably be doing a fuck ton of writing. And very well may break through if I keep my head high and my ego low.
There are two colors in my head. Two colors. What was that you tried to say? Tried to say? Tried to saaaayyyyyyyy?
Back in high school I played a rusty trombone in the marching band. It was rad my freshman year, I might still be playing had those band instructors stuck around. It was at band camp when a certain lady caught my attention. She was a mystery to me in every way, and she continues to be to this very day.
I think maybe I fell in love with her then, but knowing full well that she would crush me under her foot, I made the rational decision and decided to let myself go out with a Harvard graduate, who is doing quite well for herself these days.
Its funny how the human heart can love so many things. And the more love you have in your heart, the more your heart is exposed to the harsh maelstrom of humanity. I think if my heart were a couple sizes smaller, I would be happy.
You thought I would start complaining again there, didn't you? Notice I said I am not happy, but it didn't come out as complaining. It came out as a fact. There are laws of nature we do not understand. One law is that some people are not ever going to experience happiness. Some people aren't able to be happy, others simply choose not to be happy. It isn't always a cut and dry choice.
Some 15 odd years later I happened to run into that girl again. I was hit by a semi truck on that day and I have been stuck under the axle and dragged along the pavement ever since.
This month I will be publishing another novel. No body will buy it, and I will have to do slave labor on the side. And the strangest thing is this...I will write yet another book that nobody will purchase after that.
Since I can't be happy, a nice consolation is knowing my purpose in life....and that is this: to write everything that nobody else is able or willing to write.
I am going to get back to it now, and maybe I will sleep tonight but maybe not. I am a very strange creature, you could say. If I do sleep, I will probably drift into painful REM sleep, which is an unfortunate side effect of sobriety. This is the music I was listening to when I was in band camp, so very long ago. It is not by coincidence that I chose the album Kurt Cobain listened to when he killed himself for good. I hate all of you motherfuckers.
There are two colors in my head. Two colors. What was that you tried to say? Tried to say? Tried to saaaayyyyyyyy?
Back in high school I played a rusty trombone in the marching band. It was rad my freshman year, I might still be playing had those band instructors stuck around. It was at band camp when a certain lady caught my attention. She was a mystery to me in every way, and she continues to be to this very day.
I think maybe I fell in love with her then, but knowing full well that she would crush me under her foot, I made the rational decision and decided to let myself go out with a Harvard graduate, who is doing quite well for herself these days.
Its funny how the human heart can love so many things. And the more love you have in your heart, the more your heart is exposed to the harsh maelstrom of humanity. I think if my heart were a couple sizes smaller, I would be happy.
You thought I would start complaining again there, didn't you? Notice I said I am not happy, but it didn't come out as complaining. It came out as a fact. There are laws of nature we do not understand. One law is that some people are not ever going to experience happiness. Some people aren't able to be happy, others simply choose not to be happy. It isn't always a cut and dry choice.
Some 15 odd years later I happened to run into that girl again. I was hit by a semi truck on that day and I have been stuck under the axle and dragged along the pavement ever since.
This month I will be publishing another novel. No body will buy it, and I will have to do slave labor on the side. And the strangest thing is this...I will write yet another book that nobody will purchase after that.
Since I can't be happy, a nice consolation is knowing my purpose in life....and that is this: to write everything that nobody else is able or willing to write.
I am going to get back to it now, and maybe I will sleep tonight but maybe not. I am a very strange creature, you could say. If I do sleep, I will probably drift into painful REM sleep, which is an unfortunate side effect of sobriety. This is the music I was listening to when I was in band camp, so very long ago. It is not by coincidence that I chose the album Kurt Cobain listened to when he killed himself for good. I hate all of you motherfuckers.
Humble Soup
Every new year I like to make a little Humble Soup to go along with the pork and sauerkraut. This year's humble stew comes in the form of perpetual loneliness. It comes in the form of not getting what you feel like you need but maybe don't. It comes in the form of trying to be completely honest all while telling a lie.
K.
I crossed the line when I tried to kill myself. Now that I flew over to the other side, I just wish I could get back to where I once belonged.
I gave you everything you should know to get started. You have the plans for the Pyramid already so just get started with it already.
Thanks be to God for FORGIVENESS...and TIME....And making it through the evening without a ticket. And college football.
I also do not blame the grouperfish for keeping its dietary options open. Not one bit.
I gave you everything you should know to get started. You have the plans for the Pyramid already so just get started with it already.
Thanks be to God for FORGIVENESS...and TIME....And making it through the evening without a ticket. And college football.
I also do not blame the grouperfish for keeping its dietary options open. Not one bit.
The bassmaster is back.
I will not purchase another stupid album or promote another artist other than myself until I flipping get paid.
Had to create a little space between myself and my trophy phish in order to engender a little mental piece. Yeah, I spelled that wrong on purpose.
Had to create a little space between myself and my trophy phish in order to engender a little mental piece. Yeah, I spelled that wrong on purpose.
I pretty much have nothing to offer any woman except my love.
I am not successful. I have never been able to recover financially from the trainwreck that was my marriage. I am feeling very inadequate in many ways. Which is not attractive at all. I can't win.
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