Custards Last Stand

It is a little odd that the two most famous people in my family are the world's greatest free solo rock climber and the  most famed Injun killer of all time.

And here am I.  I married a native American.   I paid for my grandfather's sins.  That was almost a lifetime ago, it seems, but after being thoroughly evicerated by the vultures I was given my freedom back.  What I didn't realize was that freedom cost a buck oh five plus tax.

One thing kept me going while I was figuring out how to get out of the mistake I had made, and that was the possibility that once I was finished pouring everything I had into the never ending cauldron of neediness, was the thought that I might be able to find someone who would build me back up again.

It never happened.

I pretty much dove into  insanity headfirst, most of you got to witness it, and now all we have left is a crazy, hateful, POS that I never thought I would be...but I am.  I am angry not at you guys, you don't owe me anything.  I am angry with myself.  And now I have a mild form of Tourrette's Syndrome, which makes me a liability in just about every social situation I am faced with.

But even crazy people can write.  Maybe that is what my job here is to do?  I don't know.  I can't Google it.

Why did I misspell General Custer's name?

Caus.  Tards.

Here's another Hit, Bury bonds.

We've gone through too much BS to mess with these drunk and hot girls.
Yellow Springs is full of drunk hot girls.
Got accused of being a spy.  On top of being accused of being a robot.
All I am trying to do is find a spot to grow my own evolutionary branch.  That is all.

And a book is still sitting here, not being read by anyone but myself and a few friends, until the time is right. 

I love all of you, Planet Earth.  Humanity, you might be the worst aspect of planet Earth, but I love you too.

Ach

The Human League

You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met you.
I picked you up.  I shook you up.
And turned you around, turned you into someone new.

Then we listened to Depeche Mode.
Precious and fragile things need special handling.
My God!  What have we done to you?

----
It is getting kind of 80's over here at the casa.  There was so much good music made in that decade, it was just ridiculous.  Here I am thirty years later, and it still sounds as pertinent today as it did to me then.

Maybe I should just sleep instead of Write

REM sleep.  It can be pretty tough.  Last night I got raped by some hot lady I have never met before.

It was ok I guess...

I just wish that the real world were a little more like my dreams.  And I wish there was a nightmare filter.  I wouldn't want to go back to the concentration camp dreams.

More support for Yeezus

Maybe this site should just be an unofficial Kanye West support blog.

I would say my top five artists of all time would be, in no particular order....

Radiohead
The Police
REM
Van Halen
and THE Kanye West.

I would also say that 50 percent of the time these days I got Yeezy on deck.  He gets better and better, and shows no sign of slowing down. 

You might not like the ego that comes along with the product, but he has never rested on his laurels, and continues to push the envelope with this sound and with his lyrics.

At least he continues to grow as an artist, which is more than those fish sticks at South Park can say.  That show used to be my absolute favorite, wouldn't miss an episode for nuthin.

Now it is barely watchable.  They need to hire me as a writer, and I am not even joking.

This is for you Kanye, in a world full of stupid haters.

Thank you for your constant surveillance.

You will have to pay me a lot of money to swallow one of your stupid microchips. 

Nevermind, I probably already have like 4 million inside me already.

You guys should all burn in hell.

Late Registration

And I heard em say, nothing is ever promised tomorrow, today.
But we will find a way.

Today I take my Jeopardy quiz.  Nervous?  You know it.  Editing to keep my mind off it and ...

Nothing lasts forever but be honest babe.
It hurts but it may be the only way.

Money is the key, so keep breathing.  Stay focused.  I hate you ugly bastards.

One love.  ACH

There are leaders...and then there's followers.

I would rather be a dick than a swallower.

I am losing "friends" at an unprecedented rate.  It is a good thing that '14 is all about killing the ego consciousness and dropping attachments.  This world is a corpse, rotting, maggot infested and disgusting.

It is funny you should like the sober me far less than the medicated one.  All this tells me is that you would like for me to stay fucked up.

But I have stopped listening to you.  All you have done is feed me lies my entire life.  I make my own path now.  And if I offend a few people on the way, well, get the fuck over it.  You asked for it, you got it.  Toyota.

-(Midas Touch)

If I am the opposite of King Midas, and everything I touch turns to shit....

Then I want to endorse this two party political system.

Thank you and Toots McGoots.

Mona Lisa.

I know something you don't know....

I know how my next book goes.....

You might have read the first 9/10ths.....

But you do not know how it ends.......


And you will never find out until I get paid.  SHOW ME THE MONEY!

How is this for logic?

How exactly will I pay my dues to society and become a nice little tax payer when you guys won't even give me any money?  Don't make a lot of sense.  That is, unless you really just want me to kill myself.  Which is exactly why I won't until I get paid.

I say a lot of things I don't really mean.

But I am one hundred percent serious about this.  You better pay me, or I will do that which you do not want.  I know what you *want* but I won't do it.  Not until you pay me.

F*@# Facebook in the Face

I am reactivating my account.  Sorry Google.  I don't have any pay checks from you yet so my loyalty isn't concrete just yet. 

Plus, it isn't because I want to talk to anyone.  I hate most of those guys.  I am addicted to Zynga Texas Hold'em and my account is already built up to the point where I have some money and don't get craptastic hands any longer, and don't feel like building something else up that is a complete waste of time when I already have perfectly decent wastes of time already.

Not to mention most of my fans are on FB and not Google +, so if they are going to know to come to this page and find out that I am done with my second novel, they will find it out there most likely.

Feeling pretty epic right now.  I had some vicious dreams last night.  But I didn't dream about fishing so it couldn't have been that bad.  I will take dreams about concentration camps any night over fish dreams.

Plus I don't get priapism like raging boners that last for 6 hours and that makes me a lot more rested in the morning.

9 million dollars, amazon.com twats.  100 dollar bills, unmarked, non consecutive.  I am not commodity.  I am not your movie screen.

Slave life.  One Love.

Looks like we are on our way

The convulsing and the sweating seems to have subsided.  Now it is just lots of REM sleep and feelings of emptiness.

But I am serious.  This is the year I steal my life back from the daemons. 

Why do I keep getting calls from my ex?  She is the successful one....getting married to some other shmuck and I still get to suffer the consequences of the stupidest and most selfless decision I have ever made in my life...giving my last name to her...

Perhaps she misses how fucking awesome I am.  You wait a couple months and you gone see, you will never find nobody better than me.

In the night I hear em talk the coldest story ever told somewhere far along the road belongs the soul...
to a woman so heartless.

I am done with Facebook.

It is K Mart as far as I am concerned, and we all know K Mart sucks ass.

I am all Google now.  But you are on the hot seat now.  Help me help you.  Lets take those fuckers at Facebook down and change the world.

Who has the biggest &ick?

Greenfield Ohio.

His name is Adam Conrad Honnold, and I am one bad motherfucking Robo Cop.

I guess if you have a big heart and really love those around you, you have to be a dick to them sometimes to get them to bend to your will.

I am by most accounts mild mannered.  But I can be a huge fucking prick when I don't get my way.

I am still waiting on my check.  8 million, unmarked Benjamen's, not a penny less.

I am done being your slave Amazon.com.  You start paying me or the world doesn't get to find out what happens with Maxwell.

Why did I have many lines cast? You axe

The reason I hit on every attractive female I see is because I feel like at least one of them wants a little Conrad in her life.  Honnold's have good DNA.  We might be a little crazy, some would say our family has a curse, but we are attractive, brilliant, funny, and at the end of the day, we are good God fearing sombitches.  Except for Alex.  He is a militant atheist.  Funny he should be the more popular cousin.  Maybe I should get out of the Jesus game.

If you have ever been hit on by me, you should pat yourself on the back.  You had a chance to get with me, and you opted to say no.  Which I guess makes you pretty fucking special.  Like short bus special.

So now I am setting my sights on bigger and better prizes, I want you all to go fuck yourselves and buy my books.

2014.  We are in it to win it.

Holding on for Life

Sometimes I feel like I am hanging by a thread.  How much longer can it hold?

I think that this song is about legalization of Mary Jewanna.

It is weird that my mother's name is Mary Jayne, and she has never smoked before in her life!

And all the stupid fucking back pain she has would disappear if only weed would be legalized for medicinal purposes.

Me, I much prefer it recreation-ally.  Too bad I am more about getting paid and getting laid in 14 than getting stoned.  I am really much nicer when I am high.

Fuck you guys, fuck you very much.

I am thinking more along the lines of seven figures.  The number will increase the longer I am forced to wait.

Again, fuck you all.

My Dissertation

Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Wake up Mr Conrad Mr West Mr Fresh Mr.... by hisself he so impressed
I mean *damn* did you even see the test you got D's motherfucker D's!?!?
Rosie Perez. And yes, barely passed any and every class,
looking at every ass
cheated on every test
I guess?
this is my dissertation homie
this shit is basic
this is my dissertation.

I still hate you guys so much.  Look how far we done came.

You will never steal MY streetness.

I am waiting on my big fucking check, better be six figures at least....and then we will get back to work.

Next day.

I went to sleep like I said I would, I am back up now.

I still hate you guys.

Now that I am not supporting Facebook, I hope you will all email me or call or text. Or leave a fucking comment, I don't care.

You thought it was bad....now shit is about to get real.  8==D****(your face)

One more thing and then I will go to sleep I promise.

You will probably like the sober me much less than the fucked up one.  I thought I was doing you all a favor, but it is YOU that gets what you asked for, not me.

New Plan

I will NOT publish any more books until I have a nice big check in my hand.  You can all go fuck yourselves.

The world is very strange.

Since it is 2014 and I am no longer attaching myself to anything, chemical, idea, or individual, I will probably be doing a fuck ton of writing.  And very well may break through if I keep my head high and my ego low.

There are two colors in my head. Two colors.  What was that you tried to say? Tried to say?  Tried to saaaayyyyyyyy?

Back in high school I played a rusty trombone in the marching band.  It was rad my freshman year, I might still be playing had those band instructors stuck around.  It was at band camp when a certain lady caught my attention.  She was a mystery to me in every way, and she continues to be to this very day.

I think maybe I fell in love with her then, but knowing full well that she would crush me under her foot, I made the rational decision and decided to let myself go out with a Harvard graduate, who is doing quite well for herself these days.

Its funny how the human heart can love so many things.  And the more love you have in your heart, the more your heart is exposed to the harsh maelstrom of humanity.  I think if my heart were a couple sizes smaller, I would be happy.

You thought I would start complaining again there, didn't you?  Notice I said I am not happy, but it didn't come out as complaining.  It came out as a fact.  There are laws of nature we do not understand. One law is that some people are not ever going to experience happiness.  Some people aren't able to be happy, others simply choose not to be happy.  It isn't always a cut and dry choice.

Some 15 odd years later I happened to run into that girl again.  I was hit by a semi truck on that day and I have been stuck under the axle and dragged along the pavement ever since.

This month I will be publishing another novel.  No body will buy it, and I will have to do slave labor on the side.  And the strangest thing is this...I will write yet another book that nobody will purchase after that.

Since I can't be happy, a nice consolation is knowing my purpose in life....and that is this: to write everything that nobody else is able or willing to write.

I am going to get back to it now, and maybe I will sleep tonight but maybe not.  I am a very strange creature, you could say.  If I do sleep, I will probably drift into painful REM sleep, which is an unfortunate side effect of sobriety.  This is the music I was listening to when I was in band camp, so very long ago.  It is not by coincidence that I chose the album Kurt Cobain listened to when he killed himself for good.  I hate all of you motherfuckers.

Humble Soup

Every new year I like to make a little Humble Soup to go along with the pork and sauerkraut.  This year's humble stew comes in the form of perpetual loneliness.  It comes in the form of not getting what you feel like you need but maybe don't.  It comes in the form of trying to be completely honest all while telling a lie.

K.

I crossed the line when I tried to kill myself.  Now that I flew over to the other side, I just wish I could get back to where I once belonged.

I gave you everything you should know to get started.  You have the plans for the Pyramid already so just get started with it already.

Thanks be to God for FORGIVENESS...and TIME....And making it through the evening without a ticket.  And college football.

I also do not blame the grouperfish for keeping its dietary options open.  Not one bit.

The bassmaster is back.

I will not purchase another stupid album or promote another artist other than myself until I flipping get paid.

Had to create a little space between myself and my trophy phish in order to engender a little mental piece.  Yeah, I spelled that wrong on purpose.

I pretty much have nothing to offer any woman except my love.

I am not successful.  I have never been able to recover financially from the trainwreck that was my marriage.  I am feeling very inadequate in many ways.  Which is not attractive at all.  I can't win.