How could I have forgotten one of my favorite quote's from one of my favorite characters of all time Tyler Durden. "Only once we have lost everything, are we free to do anything."
I am feeling very streamlined right now. And the older I get, the better life gets, in lieu of all the BS and drama outside. And you lucky blog readers are getting a two-fer.
I am finding myself more efficient. I have time to do things that I want to do. And I don't need anyone but myself because frankly, I like myself quite a bit when I give myself the chance.
Things seem to come together out of nowhere. And people I think are inherently good. Sure there are a lot of d-bags out there. But for every ass hat there is an equally decent human out there.
Since it is Rocktober, you get some more tunes. A little Down In It was playing in my head earlier, because I was feeling up above it. That being the doldrums I had been experiencing the last few weeks..
And then some Killers, because "she said she loved me. But she had some where to go..she couldn't scream while I held her close.. I swore I'd never let her go. " I don't even have a friend by the name of Jenny, but this is a rad song all the same.
Lastly a little St. Lucia, Elevate, because frankly, that is what I am doing right now.
I don't even know why I have been so down lately. I have so much to be thankful for and so many things going for me. Now back to the book writing and then some sleep. Because I have to get up early for my run so I can get to my job interview at 10.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
New outlook
About halfway through the day yesterday, after I had found many different available local jobs and interviewed with an HR rep from a place where I would REALLY enjoy working, it finally clicked.
I am going to be ok...
At which point I went for a run. My second 5 mile day in as many days. Felt really exhausted but in a good way. Mostly felt incredible which was a welcome change in affect from the last couple of weeks. And I spent last night with my good friend Jocelyn, who I have been hanging out with more and more, and we talked and talked.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty optimistic as well. I think I am finally turning the corner. Granted, I still don't have a job. I am not going to get unemployment. I don't really have any desire to date anyone new...and in light of all of this, I am....well....feeling better than okay.
I will get a job eventually. And I will find more time to write which is what I really would like to do.
And when I least expect it, when I am not even thinking about it...someone will pop into my life who wants to travel along this long and winding path with me, a co pilot for this journey.
Addiction grows weaker and weaker the longer you are from the vice. Feelings grow dimmer and dimmer the farther one is from past love. After enough time, the door shuts, and you have nothing but your future left.
I will leave you with the song that is playing in my head today. From a real person, a real artist, in this world of faux people. I am searching myself. I believe myself to be on the right track. :)
I am going to be ok...
At which point I went for a run. My second 5 mile day in as many days. Felt really exhausted but in a good way. Mostly felt incredible which was a welcome change in affect from the last couple of weeks. And I spent last night with my good friend Jocelyn, who I have been hanging out with more and more, and we talked and talked.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty optimistic as well. I think I am finally turning the corner. Granted, I still don't have a job. I am not going to get unemployment. I don't really have any desire to date anyone new...and in light of all of this, I am....well....feeling better than okay.
I will get a job eventually. And I will find more time to write which is what I really would like to do.
And when I least expect it, when I am not even thinking about it...someone will pop into my life who wants to travel along this long and winding path with me, a co pilot for this journey.
Addiction grows weaker and weaker the longer you are from the vice. Feelings grow dimmer and dimmer the farther one is from past love. After enough time, the door shuts, and you have nothing but your future left.
I will leave you with the song that is playing in my head today. From a real person, a real artist, in this world of faux people. I am searching myself. I believe myself to be on the right track. :)
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Why?
The great existential question...why?
A couple of "whys."
Why did I go to Cumberland College as opposed to the Naval Academy...only to join the Navy two years after graduation as enlisted when I could have been an officer.
Why, when I got to Cumberland, did I gravitate toward a crowd that liked to "party"?
Why did I think my life would be better if I tried drugs even once? I mean, I want to go back and kick my 18 year old self....and ask him, exactly, how many success stories do you hear about people who are addicted to drugs?
Why did I think I could marry someone who I wasn't in love with? Although my intentions were good, and I did love her (not in love, there is a difference), and I do believe my primary goal of improving her life situation (although at a great cost to my emotional and fiscal stability) was accomplished, why did I make such a life altering decision without considering my best long term interest?
Why didn't I go straight to graduate school after college?
Why do I still pine over my last girlfriend? Am I masochistic? What good does it do to look at her profile when there is zero chance of things going back to the way they were? Why does she have to feel about another the way I feel about her? And why can't I feel that way about someone who does feel those feelings for me. (I realize that was a horrible sentence.)
Why does life have to be so full of challenges? And why do I feel like I am ill equipped to deal with those challenges, when in fact the opposite is probably the fact.
I don't like to spend a lot of time mulling over the past. Which is why I am a little irked at myself for spending so much time lately wondering what I could have done differently.
Of course there are things I could have done differently, in a lot of different circumstances, pertaining to relationships, education, published body of work, etc. But would things have turned out any better?
Which is why it is usually a good idea not to think about the past too much, and not spend hour after tedious hour mulling over what could have been.
I do believe in God, and I do receive strength from this faith. You might think I am wrong or I am stupid, but the fact will never change. God is the reason my life is like this, and the world even exists...That isn't to say God made me make bad decisions, but God is the great computer, and keeps tabs on all Karmic debts. I love God, and I don't blame him for anything except allowing me to exist.
The only reasonable conclusion for all of these tribulations...its all part of the test. The test of character, the test of mettle. After all, we could not have diamonds if it weren't for massive amounts of time and pressure. These struggles are the impetus for growth. And so I ask myself, am I growing? I don't know if that is up to me to determine. It is you, and God, the external world, that must judge this growth.
And as a writer, life experiences are the only thing that can lead to realistic and pertinent literature.
On a side note, I am getting very good at sending out job applications. Why? Because I have filled out over 50 in the last week. I should be getting a job any day now. Once I have that stable flow of cash back in my life, I will feel a lot better. Money can buy happiness after all, so it seems.
Lastly, this was very useful to me today.
Time to go into the job fair. Wish me luck! ")
A couple of "whys."
Why did I go to Cumberland College as opposed to the Naval Academy...only to join the Navy two years after graduation as enlisted when I could have been an officer.
Why, when I got to Cumberland, did I gravitate toward a crowd that liked to "party"?
Why did I think my life would be better if I tried drugs even once? I mean, I want to go back and kick my 18 year old self....and ask him, exactly, how many success stories do you hear about people who are addicted to drugs?
Why did I think I could marry someone who I wasn't in love with? Although my intentions were good, and I did love her (not in love, there is a difference), and I do believe my primary goal of improving her life situation (although at a great cost to my emotional and fiscal stability) was accomplished, why did I make such a life altering decision without considering my best long term interest?
Why didn't I go straight to graduate school after college?
Why do I still pine over my last girlfriend? Am I masochistic? What good does it do to look at her profile when there is zero chance of things going back to the way they were? Why does she have to feel about another the way I feel about her? And why can't I feel that way about someone who does feel those feelings for me. (I realize that was a horrible sentence.)
Why does life have to be so full of challenges? And why do I feel like I am ill equipped to deal with those challenges, when in fact the opposite is probably the fact.
I don't like to spend a lot of time mulling over the past. Which is why I am a little irked at myself for spending so much time lately wondering what I could have done differently.
Of course there are things I could have done differently, in a lot of different circumstances, pertaining to relationships, education, published body of work, etc. But would things have turned out any better?
Which is why it is usually a good idea not to think about the past too much, and not spend hour after tedious hour mulling over what could have been.
I do believe in God, and I do receive strength from this faith. You might think I am wrong or I am stupid, but the fact will never change. God is the reason my life is like this, and the world even exists...That isn't to say God made me make bad decisions, but God is the great computer, and keeps tabs on all Karmic debts. I love God, and I don't blame him for anything except allowing me to exist.
The only reasonable conclusion for all of these tribulations...its all part of the test. The test of character, the test of mettle. After all, we could not have diamonds if it weren't for massive amounts of time and pressure. These struggles are the impetus for growth. And so I ask myself, am I growing? I don't know if that is up to me to determine. It is you, and God, the external world, that must judge this growth.
And as a writer, life experiences are the only thing that can lead to realistic and pertinent literature.
On a side note, I am getting very good at sending out job applications. Why? Because I have filled out over 50 in the last week. I should be getting a job any day now. Once I have that stable flow of cash back in my life, I will feel a lot better. Money can buy happiness after all, so it seems.
Lastly, this was very useful to me today.
Replace love with God because God is love then we get:
[God] is patient and kind; [God] does not envy or boast; [He] is not arrogant or rude. [He] does not insist on [His] own way; [He] is not irritable or resentful; [He] does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. [God] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. [God] never ends” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
[God] is patient and kind; [God] does not envy or boast; [He] is not arrogant or rude. [He] does not insist on [His] own way; [He] is not irritable or resentful; [He] does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. [God] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. [God] never ends” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
Time to go into the job fair. Wish me luck! ")
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Another day in the life of a recovering addict.
I have an addictive personality, I think most of us can agree on this fact. Many of you have witnessed the destructive aspects of my addictions, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret the first time I ever used drugs.
But I am clean today, fortunately.
Unfortunately, I will always be recovering. One is never fully recovered. There will always be scars, always relationships that cannot be mended. There will always be a certain amount of judgement from others. And there is always that lingering thought, some days it is greater than others in its magnitude, that you are never very far away from a dealer, and you are minutes away from a brief respite from the pains of every day living.
Everyone has problems, and I don't think mine are any greater than anyone else. Perhaps I do not cope with my problems as well, but this is no one's fault by my own.
I am clean today, and I will be clean tomorrow. It is a daily choice.
I want to live. I want to have relationships. I want a special relationship with some lady who cares about me as much as I do her. I want to work, and to write, and to help others. I want to experience pain in its fullness, so that I might be able to love in the fullest sense.
No, it is not easy. But there is no going back. There can be no going back.
I am so grateful for my family and friends. They deserve my honesty and sobriety in return for all the love and compassion they have given me.
Yesterday was tough, but I didn't purchase any cold medicine, so that is something I can build on. I have a lot of writing to do, so there isn't any time to be on anything other than my A game.
God's blessing to everyone on this lovely Sunday.
But I am clean today, fortunately.
Unfortunately, I will always be recovering. One is never fully recovered. There will always be scars, always relationships that cannot be mended. There will always be a certain amount of judgement from others. And there is always that lingering thought, some days it is greater than others in its magnitude, that you are never very far away from a dealer, and you are minutes away from a brief respite from the pains of every day living.
Everyone has problems, and I don't think mine are any greater than anyone else. Perhaps I do not cope with my problems as well, but this is no one's fault by my own.
I am clean today, and I will be clean tomorrow. It is a daily choice.
I want to live. I want to have relationships. I want a special relationship with some lady who cares about me as much as I do her. I want to work, and to write, and to help others. I want to experience pain in its fullness, so that I might be able to love in the fullest sense.
No, it is not easy. But there is no going back. There can be no going back.
I am so grateful for my family and friends. They deserve my honesty and sobriety in return for all the love and compassion they have given me.
Yesterday was tough, but I didn't purchase any cold medicine, so that is something I can build on. I have a lot of writing to do, so there isn't any time to be on anything other than my A game.
God's blessing to everyone on this lovely Sunday.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Into the Woods
Spent some time reflecting in the woods today, while it wasn't raining. Was thinking, man, I could just live out here. And I saw lots of rocks in the creek that I could incorporate into the building structure. It won't be very big, it doesn't need to be. It is just a start, a place for me to live by myself. So I have dug out the old plans and am up to me arse in schematics. If I just didn't have to look for employment and write these darn books I would have a little time on my hands to actually start construction.
I don't care how the weather is, I will work on the son of a gun in inclement conditions. I think I can gain an advantage over time by being HAM, for one, and stubborn as a mule when it comes to resolve.
But I do know that the process will be a long one, simply because of limitations in funds. And manual labor will be difficult to come by. So I might be doing most of the work on my own. Which I am fine with. And the exact start date on building is still probably a while off, simply to make sure that when it is off and running, it is well planned and when hitches happen, which they will, I will be in a position continue with work.
Here is an article from the NY Times that kind of inspired all of this.
I don't care how the weather is, I will work on the son of a gun in inclement conditions. I think I can gain an advantage over time by being HAM, for one, and stubborn as a mule when it comes to resolve.
But I do know that the process will be a long one, simply because of limitations in funds. And manual labor will be difficult to come by. So I might be doing most of the work on my own. Which I am fine with. And the exact start date on building is still probably a while off, simply to make sure that when it is off and running, it is well planned and when hitches happen, which they will, I will be in a position continue with work.
Here is an article from the NY Times that kind of inspired all of this.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
No Alarms and No Surprises....
Please. Sometimes all we want is for things to fall into a predictable routine. But sometimes having things shaken up is the best thing. Stagnation is the recipe for disaster, that being a boring, status quo daily malaise...causing one to not only stop growing, but often times regress into a less evolved organism, one that no longer finds trying and striving for better things the central focus.
It is October already. Hard to believe. That is why today I am posting some tunes. It's Rock-tober here at Ad(am's) Lib.
It is a good day to smile! "We are trying so hard to get it all right. We will only feel lonely at the end of the night....the worst is yet to come...so smile....got no where to go, we will be here for a while, the future isn't given, so smile...."
"You can call me a loser, you can call me a thief, you tell me I am special, then you spit at me." I love these lyrics, and this song by Mikky Ekko. It is hard to say exactly why they are meaningful to me, but I think we can all relate to them at one point or another in our life.
Would you fight for my love? I woke up this morning and I realized that I was not fighting for what was most important to me for the last couple of months. And so things got shaken up. The things that meant the most to me got taken away. Sometimes it takes losing something(s) that are very special to realize what is really important in the first place. "The last poison in the room she heard was the poison that she loved the most. Nobody noticed I was down on the rug, I am getting better at becoming a ghost." Jack White always has a way of giving me new perspective on my life....and after well almost two decades of rocking he seems to only get better at his craft. I can only pray that I have the same passion and career trajectory as Jack, but with writing, even if on a smaller scale. Every day I try to do a little better. The goal used to be 1000 words a day. I am well over that threshold now....a novel I believe should be at least 70,000 words. So now I shoot for 2000 a day, and hope at least 1000 of that is quality material that is ready to go seamlessly into the growing collection.
Well, that is enough ramblings for today. But one more thing before I go....I had a great breakthrough today as far as story line for my next publication (that isn't the Bio.) I can't really say what it is, because that wouldn't be very professional of me....but I will say I am very excited. And glad that I still have passion for my livelihood. :-)
It is October already. Hard to believe. That is why today I am posting some tunes. It's Rock-tober here at Ad(am's) Lib.
It is a good day to smile! "We are trying so hard to get it all right. We will only feel lonely at the end of the night....the worst is yet to come...so smile....got no where to go, we will be here for a while, the future isn't given, so smile...."
"You can call me a loser, you can call me a thief, you tell me I am special, then you spit at me." I love these lyrics, and this song by Mikky Ekko. It is hard to say exactly why they are meaningful to me, but I think we can all relate to them at one point or another in our life.
Would you fight for my love? I woke up this morning and I realized that I was not fighting for what was most important to me for the last couple of months. And so things got shaken up. The things that meant the most to me got taken away. Sometimes it takes losing something(s) that are very special to realize what is really important in the first place. "The last poison in the room she heard was the poison that she loved the most. Nobody noticed I was down on the rug, I am getting better at becoming a ghost." Jack White always has a way of giving me new perspective on my life....and after well almost two decades of rocking he seems to only get better at his craft. I can only pray that I have the same passion and career trajectory as Jack, but with writing, even if on a smaller scale. Every day I try to do a little better. The goal used to be 1000 words a day. I am well over that threshold now....a novel I believe should be at least 70,000 words. So now I shoot for 2000 a day, and hope at least 1000 of that is quality material that is ready to go seamlessly into the growing collection.
Well, that is enough ramblings for today. But one more thing before I go....I had a great breakthrough today as far as story line for my next publication (that isn't the Bio.) I can't really say what it is, because that wouldn't be very professional of me....but I will say I am very excited. And glad that I still have passion for my livelihood. :-)
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