Tuesday Bluesday

This isn't going to be a sad, mopey post.  But sometimes people get down, it is a fact of life.

I let myself have fifteen minutes a day by myself, in the woods or face buried in pillows, to get a good cry in.

This is the result of not taking drugs or drinking alcohol at the slightest sign on emotion.  I have done a pretty bad job of coping with my problems in the past, and this is just a natural result of years of bottled up emotions.  I let myself experience the hurt feelings, the love in my heart for people I miss, the pain I have caused others...all of the stuff that floats around in my paleomammilian cortex mixed around like fancy sauce....and it results in a good 15 minute sob fest.

And then I am done.  I move on with my day, tackling one obstacle after another. Do this...to get this....to make myself more this....because there is an end result, a vision.  It takes a vision to have something to strive for, a reason to get up in the morning...

My vision is simple.  Be completely self sufficient.  I will live in nature, on a self sufficient, off the grid utopian hippie farm.  And when I create this paradise, I will welcome anyone who wants to contribute to my vision, as long as their vision adds and doesn't subtract from the end goal.

Every day I put in the time and effort, and every day I find myself closer to my goal.  It could be 3 years down the road, it could be five or even ten.  But I will live a long life and there is no time like the present to make your dream a reality.

Today is a Blue Tuesday.  Blue, as in the color of my eyes....and the clear autumn SoOh sky.  Back to the grind.  Like Paul Harvey would say....good day!

Woke up this morning feeling like Puff Daddy.

I am not going to spend a lot of time on here because I have two novels to finish and very little time to piece them together, set up venues for sales, etc.etc.etc.

But I will say that I am glad to be back in Greenfield.  It is nice seeing a bunch of people I haven't had time for...people I grew up with and who always have my back no matter where I go, what I do, or how much of a d-bag I have been in the process.

CD 102.5 was another thing I missed while I was in Dayton.  That station plays only good music.  I won't even list all the good songs I have heard in the last couple of days because I am afraid I will leave some of them out.  If you have been listening you know what I am talking about.

Oktoberfest was nice.  Greenfield actually has a decent bar downtown that seems to favor responsible drinkers and I am actually shocked that I had a good time in this town and didn't get arrested.  I do appreciate the local authority and everything they do to keep it classy around here.  Anyhow, back to the helm.  These books....don't.....write......themselves.....

Spanking

About four months ago I ranted on and on ( a couple of entries prior to this, just scroll down) about how I was disappointed that we as a society are starting to spare the rod.

I guess I was basing my theory on the fact that I was spanked as a child...and went on to be obedient in class, receive all A's and one B in HS, get a college degree, etc.

But then I started disciplining my girlfriend's son.  And soon after I spanked him (which I never enjoyed, and always felt horrible about), he started hitting me and a few of his friends.

I can't help but think this was a result of my spanking him...with some kids it seems to scare the ever loving crap out of them into seemingly well adjusted citizens.  With others, it just teaches them that hitting is ok.  And it isn't...and I am now against hitting in any shape or form as punishment.

The kid that threw the shoe at the worker was beaten senselessly at home by his foster parents one can only imagine, and was mirroring what she had learned in previous situations.  My brief attempt at parenting... I am pretty sure.... resulted in the perpetuation of more violent behavior.

And just like Adrian Peterson was beaten as a child, I received a whole lot of tough love as a kid.

A.D. (Peterson) became the excellent running back he is/was in spite of the beatings.

And it should be said, as soon as I left my parents watchful eye, I became rebellious, started using drugs, and have not been successful since high school.  And became a pseudo child abuser along the way.

Hitting kids is no longer an option. We are learning there are better ways to parent, because hitting only begets hitting and we are teaching our children  the mistakes we have not learned from, like bullying, and violence.

I will never again use spanking as a disciplinary method.  Granted, I have never hit anyone out of anger.  Spanking, still, I believe, has had an adverse effect on me long term.

Love your children until they are rotten.  And when they make mistakes, take something away.  And level with them.  They are smart enough to comprehend why they are being punished.  Tell them the right way to live.  And live a correct life yourself.  Because it is YOU who they are emulating.

Monday...Monday.

Monday morning, it was all I hoped it would be.

But nothing is guaranteed in this world my friends.  Let us never forget that.  And let us never forget to appreciate the moment in its entirety.

This Monday morning I have washed a car, made a business call, and wrote a little of my next book.  The best way to combat depression is to keep pushing forward.  Stay busy.  Do not put your securities in objects or human beings...because objects break or become obsolete....and humans will change (or never change) and disappoint you....plus objects and humans are very expensive.

To put your securities and your happiness in your work and your productivity is the absolute best thing you can do in this world.  Your livelihood is the foundation of everything else, which you can accumulate and add layers of enjoyment to your life over time, but the essence of your happy is always going to be you, your inner peace, your strength, your faith, and your work.

Alvin Toffler, the author of the 1970 smash hit Future Shock is on my mind this morning.  What is this, future shock?  It is"...the shattering stress and disorientation that we induce in individuals by subjecting them to too much change in too short of time."  I think a lot of us are experiencing future shock right now.  I find myself struggling to deal with losing my job, girlfriend, and independence (of my parent's help)...but I am still managing to do a lot of things.  I will either grow into a more evolved human being out of this terrible stress and disorientation, or I will fail and perish as a living organism.  Survival of the fittest.  Only time will tell if I am fit enough for survival in this world.

But giving up is not in my DNA.  Not any longer.  Suicide floats through my head a couple of times daily, but the only thing you can ensure by attempting suicide is that you will not be able to make things in your life better.  You either die, leaving all of the people who love you saddened in your wake, or you fail, and you find yourself in an even worse position than before.  I learned this from my previous attempts.

Maybe I am here for a reason.  I like to think I have a purpose since I have escaped death so many times.  I am still searching for that reason.  Maybe I will never find it, and maybe the reason doesn't exist.

But I will enjoy this beautiful fall weather as I go about my day, doing more labor outside.  And I will enjoy trying to write a couple more novels.  And I will enjoy my true friends who lift me up when I am down.  And I will do my best to lift you up if you ever are in need.  May you have a blessed Monday morning.

Moving forward.

I guess I have too many female friends.  And I guess I have been flirting when I shouldn't have.  I have never intended to ever deceive any one who I have been committed to, and I will always give my girlfriend my FB password because I am an open book.

I won't be dating anyone for a long time.  Probably like a year or so.  I have to put my writing and self bettering first before I commit to another human being.

If I have been talking to you and you are a girl, it has only been out of friendship.  Because I am a social creature.

I have to write some books now.  Felson Mitchell is a fictional character who plays a whore.  I am not Felson Mitchell.  I created the persona to try to generate interest in my books.  I have to pay my bills. 

Adam Honnold is homeless and jobless.  And does not treat women like objects.  If you are interested in me because you think I am Felson, you are looking in the wrong place.

I am going to go now.  I hope everyone has a nice night.  I am looking for strength, and it cannot come anywhere except from within myself...

The dark night of the soul...as much as I hate it, this is when I write the best, so that is all I will do from now until I break through....and if I never break through, then I will perish, either by starvation or by the harsh elements.

My Tribute to a special Lady

I happen to know a single mother...one who I have gotten to know rather well this year.  And she is one of the strongest people I know.  Because she deals with sciatica without pain medicine.  And she owns her own business.  And she raises the ORNERIEST six year old child on the planet.  (in all fairness, he is a cutie, and has a pretty big heart).  He gets his heart honestly, it is a result of his awesome mother, who gives him all the care and love for two parents all in one.

And she doesn't need anyone to make her happy.  She finds it in her work, and in her child.

She is a very good graphic designer.  She doesn't make a lot of money, but she is resourceful and she gets by.

She works out every day.  And she eats very healthy(healthily).  And she is more beautiful than for which she gives herself credit .  She follows her dreams, every day, and is an inspiration to me.

And she is very caring.  So caring, that she gives a guy who didn't really deserve anything a chance to live with her for the best four months in his recent memory, more than enough time to try to put his life together, asking very little in return.  And I was ungrateful for what I had, and messed up my chance to go any further with her.  She deserved better than what I gave her,  I put my vices before her, and I do not fault her or feel wronged in any way. I know she will find what she does deserve from somebody, and that person will be very lucky.

It will be a while before I find someone I admire more than this lady.

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When I am finished with this next novel, which will be before Christmas, I will need a website to promote my work and my blogs and run sales through.  And I wouldn't go to another person to give my business.  If you need a professional touch for your website, or need a classy, timeless logo for your business, I would recommend you go here.

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I have a lot of growing to do as a person.  Every day I will try to make myself a better person because of the inspiration you have given me.  Thank you for making me feel like I deserve more than I probably in all actuality deserve.  I am sincerely apologetic if I brought any negativity into your life.  And know that you did everything you could to make it work.  The fact that it didn't work in no way shape or form has anything to do with any lack of effort on your part, and I appreciate with fondness the memories I have of the time you allowed me to be part of your family.