I have an addictive personality, I think most of us can agree on this fact. Many of you have witnessed the destructive aspects of my addictions, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret the first time I ever used drugs.
But I am clean today, fortunately.
Unfortunately, I will always be recovering. One is never fully recovered. There will always be scars, always relationships that cannot be mended. There will always be a certain amount of judgement from others. And there is always that lingering thought, some days it is greater than others in its magnitude, that you are never very far away from a dealer, and you are minutes away from a brief respite from the pains of every day living.
Everyone has problems, and I don't think mine are any greater than anyone else. Perhaps I do not cope with my problems as well, but this is no one's fault by my own.
I am clean today, and I will be clean tomorrow. It is a daily choice.
I want to live. I want to have relationships. I want a special relationship with some lady who cares about me as much as I do her. I want to work, and to write, and to help others. I want to experience pain in its fullness, so that I might be able to love in the fullest sense.
No, it is not easy. But there is no going back. There can be no going back.
I am so grateful for my family and friends. They deserve my honesty and sobriety in return for all the love and compassion they have given me.
Yesterday was tough, but I didn't purchase any cold medicine, so that is something I can build on. I have a lot of writing to do, so there isn't any time to be on anything other than my A game.
God's blessing to everyone on this lovely Sunday.
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