Why?

The great existential question...why?

A couple of "whys."

Why did I go to Cumberland College as opposed to the Naval Academy...only to join the Navy two years after graduation as enlisted when I could have been an officer.

Why, when I got to Cumberland, did I gravitate toward a crowd that liked to "party"?

Why did I think my life would be better if I tried drugs even once?  I mean, I want to go back and kick my 18 year old self....and ask him, exactly, how many success stories do you hear about people who are addicted to drugs?

Why did I think I could marry someone who I wasn't in love with?  Although my intentions were good, and I did love her (not in love, there is a difference), and I do believe my primary goal of improving her life situation (although at a great cost to my emotional and fiscal stability) was accomplished, why did I make such a life altering decision without considering my best long term interest?

Why didn't I go straight to graduate school after college?

Why do I still pine over my last girlfriend? Am I masochistic? What good does it do to look at her profile when there is zero chance of things going back to the way they were?  Why does she have to feel about another the way I feel about her?  And why can't I feel that way about someone who does feel those feelings for me.  (I realize that was a horrible sentence.)

Why does life have to be so full of challenges?  And why do I feel like I am ill equipped to deal with those challenges, when in fact the opposite is probably the fact.

I don't like to spend a lot of time mulling over the past.  Which is why I am a little irked at myself for spending so much time lately wondering what I could have done differently.

Of course there are things I could have done differently, in a lot of different circumstances, pertaining to relationships, education, published body of work, etc.  But would things have turned out any better?

Which is why it is usually a good idea not to think about the past too much, and not spend hour after tedious hour mulling over what could have been.

I do believe in God, and I do receive strength from this faith.  You might think I am wrong or I am stupid, but the fact will never change.  God is the reason my life is like this, and the world even exists...That isn't to say God made me make bad decisions, but God is the great computer, and keeps tabs on all Karmic debts.  I love God, and I don't blame him for anything except allowing me to exist.

The only reasonable conclusion for all of these tribulations...its all part of the test.  The test of character, the test of mettle.  After all, we could not have diamonds if it weren't for massive amounts of time and pressure.  These struggles are the impetus for growth.  And so I ask myself, am I growing?  I don't know if that is up to me to determine.  It is you, and God, the external world, that must judge this growth.

And as a writer, life experiences are the only thing that can lead to realistic and pertinent literature.

On a side note, I am getting very good at sending out job applications.  Why?  Because I have filled out over 50 in the last week.  I should be getting a job any day now.  Once I have that stable flow of cash back in my life, I will feel a lot better.  Money can buy happiness after all, so it seems.

Lastly, this was very useful to me today.

Replace love with God because God is love then we get:
[God] is patient and kind; [God] does not envy or boast; [He] is not arrogant or rude. [He] does not insist on [His] own way; [He] is not irritable or resentful; [He] does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. [God] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. [God] never ends” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Time to go into the job fair.  Wish me luck! ")