The Ups and Downs of Sobriety

I said that this year was the year I would kick all of my vices.  So far, so good.

After a minor relapse earlier in the year, it has been quite a while since I have last used any sort of mood altering substance.

I find that time seems to slow down.

At least, the last two months seem like they have been the longest two months of my life.  Sometimes I don't like the long days and even longer nights.  When you have spent a majority of the last few years trying to push any and all emotion away, treating feelings as though they were some kind of communicable disease, it is more than a little difficult coping with the plethora of fluctuating moods that come with sober life.

I guess I was always a little more emotional than most males.  I suppose I always saw it as a weakness.  But now I am forced to deal with them, whether I like doing so or not (and I often don't).

And the damn dreams...all night long, dreams about people I guess my soul longs to be with even though it is impossible.  To think the dreaming doesn't happen when I am drugged.  This seems awful masochistic.

Resolve stays strong.

I have no friends...at least none that I can hang out with.  It is hard meeting sober friends when all you do is work and stay at home.

Every episode of Star Trek TNG, shows I have watched many times over in my past, move me to tears for reasons I cannot even explain.
 
 At least, I do not think about my ex wife negatively anymore.  I don't really think about her at all unless she texts me out of nowhere. (why she does this when she is remarried, I cannot explain either)...

I do not dwell on all of the things that I used to resent about my past that lead to my ultimate collapse.  I do however miss certain people...

I sort of hope nobody reads this.  Its kind of embarrassing, and I don't know why.

Better get back to work.