May Day

It certainly seems as though spring has finally cleared all the hurdles and we are on direct course with summer.

Sometimes I hate myself so much it hurts.  There is an incredible amount of loathing that goes on inside me from time to time.  I am not sure it is healthy but such is the case.  If there is any condolence then I believe that it is possible that the best art comes from the most tortured souls.  I will carry on like I am happy.  And don't get me wrong, a lot of times I am happy.  But when I really let myself think about it, I realize that I am nowhere near the person I envisioned myself being at this point in my life.  And it gets me down.

I am not looking for sympathy.  I am not looking for advice.  I simply want to write the truth of the matter.  It isn't always glitzy and golden and "peachy."

I have always imagined attaining a state of enlightenment.  A point where desire and sadness melt away like snowflakes on a red hot skillet.  I have read of many people reaching transcendent points of bliss.  And from a young age I thought that happiness would not be found in material things or in wealth.  I would like to kick the person who ever convinced the younger version of me that money isn't important.  Money is the most important thing in the universe, it figuratively keeps the world spinning upon its axis.  It is the life force of happiness, and the more money you throw at it, the happier you are.

So now poor old me spends every day struggling and toiling and grasping for that which is so very difficult to attain, especially this late in life, wealth.

I am sorry if you came here expecting to hear different.